I am Amanda
by Murmures
Summary: Amanda is triggered by her sister stealing all her stuff, and slowly unravels. Can her squad put her back together?
1. Chapter 1

**Amanda is triggered by her Sister gutting her apartment, and it starts a spiral of self-destruction that the squad is not sure they can help her with. Slowly the secrets of her past come rolling out, and the real truth about Amanda becomes known.**

Amanda looked around her gutted apartment, unbelieving, trying to take it all in. When she first opened the door, she had stormed through every room, opening all the cupboards, hoping against hope she had been left with something. She sank to her knees, struggling to breath.

"I got you 'manda," Fin said bending down to rub her shoulder, "I got you, come home with me,"

"I just… can't believe she done this 'Fin. I can't… not after everything. How am I going to sort it out Fin, I can't press charges on my own sister but If I don't I ain't going to get no insurance money,"

"Don't worry about it now 'manda, just come home with me."

Fin guided his distraught partner out of her flat and back into his car. Silent tears rolled down her cheek as she stared out the window, rain droplets running down it were mirroring her tears. After 10 minutes he pulled up in the parking lot for his apartment. Amanda turned and smiled weakly at him,

"What would I do without ya 'fin?"

"Don't worry about it 'manda, just come up and go to bed,"

His partner looked shattered. She nodded weakly at him, and he opened his car door. Amanda took a breath and followed him a second later. They went upstairs to his apartment silently. Fin opened the door and let Amanda in.

"You want a beer? Anything to eat?" he asked. Amanda shook her head,

"Im wiped Fin, can I just go t' bed?" she asked.

Fin smiled at her.

"Course."

He gestured to Kens room, and Amanda walked straight past into the room and shut the door. He heard her break down crying and wanted desperately to go in, but knew his partner valued her privacy. She was an intensely private person, who just had this awful family drama played out in front of her.

He went to the kitchen to start making some food. He made some scrambled eggs, and went to check on Amanda. She'd fallen asleep on the bed fully clothed, curled in the fetal position, hugging herself. Fin picked up an extra blanket out the cupboard and placed it over her, tucked her in and then left the room and turned out the light.

Back in the kitchen he picked up his phone, and phoned the Captain.

"Fin?" Cragen blearily answered, "What can I do for you?"

"Sorry for the call Captain, I just need to let you know… Kim cleared out 'Manda's apartment."

"What?" Don replied, suddenly sharp. "Like, what do you mean?"

"She stole everything Captain, down to the last teaspoon. Manda's at mine, but she might not make it in tomorrow Captain, and I wanna take a personal day to stay with her… Make sure she gets to a meeting if she needs one, and has a friend."

"Sure thing Fin, take care of our girl, that's your top priority. If it needs to be longer than a day, let me know tomorrow 'eh?" The captain paused, "For the love of all things holy, please persuade that girl to press charges."

"I'll try Captain, but you know what 'manda's like."

"Just look out for her Fin," The captain said, and hung up. Fin noshed his late night snack and went to bed. 11:32 the clock read. _Not bad_ he thought, and went to sleep.

Fin heard a scream which he didn't really register. It took until the second scream for Fin to realise the noise was coming from his apartment, and it was unmistakably his partner who was screaming. He rushed down the corridor and saw his partner sat up in bed, clawing at demons in front of her face.

" _No… please don't… I'm sorry…"_ were the only noises he could make out from his partner. He got as close as he could to his partner, and then with the timing of 12 years of police work, grabbed hold of both of her wrists and pulled her into a hug.

" _I got you 'Manda," he whispered, "I got you, you're safe now,"_

It was a testament to how out of it with fear his partner had been, he thought, that she was letting him give her a hug like this. He had observed in Amanda Rollins, a complete distrust of any sort of relationship, to the point where she had struggled to trust the squad to have her back even at work, let alone in social situations. Amanda eventually relaxed into Fins arms and fell asleep again before he could ask her about what she dreamed. Fin tried to leave her to sleep, but she had curled into him and was holding onto his jacket with an iron grip. Fin sighed, and kicked his shoes off and lay back on the bed. Outside the city noise lulled as New York went to sleep.

Amanda woke up with a start realising she was asleep in someone's arms. She sat up, pulling the arms gently from her and realised it was Fin, but they were both full clothed. Fin woke up.

"You had a nightmare 'manda," he said softly.

"'m sorry…" she responded.

"Nothing to apologise for 'Manda, we all get them."

Amanda stood up shakily, and wiped her eyes to get rid of the sleep which had built up there.

She started when she saw the time… 0845

"You wanna talk about the nightmare 'Manda. It might help?" He tried. He was tired of seeing his partner bury herself. She was a good cop, and all families had shit. Problems shared were problems halved after all, and that's one of the old sayings Fin really did believe in.

But he was getting the picture that 'Manda's family had more shit than most. He'd pulled together what little information he could find after he worked out Amanda was gambling bad, but he had the picture that Amanda had managed to conceal a lot. There were ASC records on the Rollins household, but they had been sealed and only openable by anyone but the Rollins daughters themselves, rather than by any legal professional as is normally the case.

Police records told more though. There were several DV calls from her household when she was a child, with both Amanda's mother and the father as complaining parties. There had been concerns about drug use at the property. Amanda's Dad had been found dead by Amanda when she was 13 years old, it had been ruled a homicide, but was now cold case, under the jurisdiction of Atlanta PD. The working theory on the case was that Amanda's father had been involved in some small time gang crime, and had got too big for his boots. He had had a record for drunk and disorderly, and the household had been up to their eyeballs in debt.

Amanda had chased a boyfriend of her mother's out of the house with a shot gun when she was 17- had escaped charges, although she had been arrested for breach of the peace. Somehow Amanda had got through all of this achieving a GPA of 4.0 and had gotten a sports scholarship to college, studying Forensic Psychology and gaining an honours degree. The rest was pretty recent history. Joined Atlanta PD at 21, got her shield the minimum 2 years later following busting open a huge exploitation ring at just 23. Did 6 months with Atlanta SVU before having a very speedy and very fast-tracked transfer to SVU. So here she was in the big apple, 24 years old… sometimes showing skill of a detective 20 years her senior, and sometimes just a scared little 12 or 13 year old child.

Amanda's sister was not the high achiever Amanda had been, and had been secured several times as a including a 2 year stretch for juvenile delinquency which had begun shortly after Amanda had the breach of the peace issue.

"Fin, we need to hurry up and get to work… with my track record lately I don't want to be late," she said trying to avoid answering fin about the nightmare.

"Captain gave us the day off"

"What… why?"

"Amanda, you've got nothing left. Worst case scenario we need to take you shopping, but I'd rather we went down and made a statement to the police,"

"You told the Captain?" Amanda shouted. "How could you do that… Jesus 'Fin… I'm already in the shit."

"And your felon sister nicked some more stuff from you… how does that make you more in the shit 'manda, I don't get it?"

"Cos I'm already in debt, how the _fuck_ can I afford to repay it and buy two, maybe three grands worth of new stuff… I'll have to declare it, I'll be suspended until I'm straight… I've got no idea what to do!" Amanda all but shouted. Fin was struggling to stay calm, but managed too.

"I still don't get why you won't go and make a statement. Amanda, whatever gone on between you, she ain't your sister any more. 'Manda she set you up! You coulda lost your job, your pension and you could have gone to jail. Sisters don't do that to each other, not sisters that are worthy of the title."

Amanda got up and walked out towards the door.

"Family don't mean shit to you Fin, I get that, but it does for me. She's all I got left. Pa's dead, Ma aint worth shit, but she's my _fucking little sister._ " Amanda paused, breathing heavily, "She's already in the shit for setting me up to murder a man that used to beat her bloody, that got her addicted to drugs, and you expect me to make this _shit_ situation worse just so I'm a little bit better off. No FUCK THAT."

He could see the tears rolling down his partners face, and knew she needed time. She slammed the door and went out. He started cleaning up the house and having breakfast ready to go out, if Amanda had gone out, he may as well get ready for work.

He waited an hour for her to come back, but she didn't. So at 1000 hours he left the building and locked the door. He didn't even get down the stairs to where he parked his car before he stumbled over Amanda, sobbing big heaving sobs, curled against the corner of the stinking stairwell.

"'Manda… hey sunshine… I got you,"

"I'm sorry fin _, I'm so goddam sorry_ , you gotta believe me…" she sobbed.

"I know sunshine… I know Barbie, Shhhh." He sat down next to her and pulled her into a side hug.

"You gotta stop running kiddo. You ran from Atlanta to here, ya won't tell us why. Now your running from all of us and we can help you Barbie, you know that right? Just let us into that head of yours. You need to straighten out, I'll help you with that kiddo, you know that."

Amanda carried on sobbing, just letting Fin hug her.

" _I'm sorry I was so aweful to you Fin, I don't deserve you, I'm so sorry Fin,"_ she got out after a while.

Fin didn't know what to say to that. Angry Amanda he could deal with, angry Amanda he liked even. Passionate Amanda he liked, even though sometimes it meant they had raging arguments and stuff was normally thrown across the room. Self-depreciating Amanda he hated though. Self-depreciating Amanda cut knives into the very centre of his soul though. This young woman, who he had come to think of as his little sister, no screw that, his little girl, deserved nothing but the best. She deserved great friends, a great family. The latter, it was becoming more and more clear, were clearly pieces of shit, so he resolved to be an even greater friend, and hopefully prove the saying _friends are the family you choose._

"You need to wise up barbie. You've just been through some serious shit. You're allowed to cry, scream and push people away, but I'm always going to be here for you whether you want it, think you want it, or not. Now I know you ain't eaten shit for at least a day Barbie. Some come upstairs and have some food, _I've even got peanut butter and jelly for your bagel!_ "

"You trying to feed me up again?" She smiled weakly at him, tears still streaking down her red face.

"You bet Barbie, you're even skinnier than your favourite plastic doll at the moment."

He stood up from the stinking stairwell.

"And I also gotta feeling we're both going to need a shower after sitting down here for all time."

He held out a hand to his partner, which she took and let Fin pull her up. Shakily she followed him back upstairs. They went back into fins apartment, and he pulled out her favourite white bagel, cut it in half and put it in the toaster. He passed her the peanut butter and jelly, and a steaming mug of coffee with enough cream in it to destroy it (in his opinion).

"You're a star, Fin," she murmered, mouth full of a bagel which was lathered in her favourite condiments.

"Foodgasm?" He laughed.

"You bet," she smiled back.

For a short while Amanda ate, while Fin washed up, in a comfortable silence. Amanda and Fin were both people who knew there was far more to communication than just words, and both Amanda and Fin needed time to think. Amandas heart had been broken into little pieces and stamped on a very long time ago, Fin mused. It was going to be like fitting a little jigsaw back together. Fin wondered how long it would take, how long before he fixed… no that was the wrong word… but how long before he could put this mess of an adult back together as a functional and happy adult. He'd love nothing more than that, he mused. Amanda had said to him a short while ago… no not said, rambled, while drunker than she realised she was, something that cut to his very core.

" _Fin, I wish you had been my 'Pa. I might be normal if you had been my 'Pa you know. Just normal sassy Amanda without the layer that wants to go and fuck everything up, just when its getting all good for the first time ever."_

He'd asked her what she meant the next day, but she clammed up and said she didn't remember anything and must have been really drunk. There was a case involving a neglectful couple that sold their child into prostitution at 11 years old, in order to pay their debts, the next day, and Amanda had run out of the interview room mumbling nonsense. Fin had finished the interview with Nick, and some hours later, after the confession had been got, had gone to find his partner who had not returned to her desk. He found her curled in the corner of the ladies bathroom having battered the mirror until it was in little fragments on the floor, she was twirling a piece in her bloodied hand with tears running down her face.

" _I wanted to kill him Fin…" She murmured, "I wanted to kill him so bad… and her, she doesn't deserve to live either, does she Fin? She sold out her own fucking kid because she couldn't be asked to put some fucking effort into giving up her vices."_

Fin had figured out something, perhaps everything in this case, cut a little close to home for Amanda, but she wasn't ready for him to push it. Instead he just held her, the young woman who had confided in him only the day before, that she wished he was her father, and he realised in that moment, he needed to be this womans dad, because clearly the biological bastard who had had that honour, had not fulfilled his duties as should be done. All that Amandas father and mother had left in their wake, had been a girl floating through the world, like flotsam and jetsam after a flood.

Fin was hurtled back to the present, by Amanda quietly asking one of her deeply layered and highly upsetting questions.

"Why do you care about me so much?"

"Your my partner 'manda, I got your back."

"So you care about me because its your job to care about me?"

"Jesus… how could you think that?"

"Why then? I don't get it…"

"I care because that's what humans do 'manda. I care because I do… I dunno why? Who ever does know why?"

"But you don't want to sleep with me?"

Fin turned and faced Amanda seriously.

" Manda, you don't have to wanna sleep with someone in order to care about them. You know that right?"

" _Of course I do…"_ Manda said, clearly embarrassed, looked down.

Fin realised the mistake he made.

"I'm serious Manda. I don't know what pricks you've met in the past, but I'm not one of them. I'm your partner, and that means something… But I'm also your friend, or I'd like to be, if you'll let me? I don't want anything in return for that Manda… _not like that. People that want that are not friends worth having_." Fin paused, realising Amanda was struggling to make eye contact with him. "Seriously Manda, look at me… I care about you because I do. Nothing else matters."

Amanda smiled weakly back, a lone hot tear creeping from her eyelid, which she hastily tried to scrub away. Fin pulled Amanda into a tight hug, and again Amanda couldn't contain her tears.

Amanda pulled away after a few minutes.

"Fin, you gotta get t'work haven't you? I'll be alright here." Amanda tried. She desperately needed to get out of this house, without the person she knew would stop her from going the place she wanted to go. One stroke of luck and all her problems would be cleared, surley anyone could see that. She was owed some luck, she mused. There was only so long one could continue loosing.

"I ain't going anywhere without you today Barbie, we got the day off together, we're a team."

"But… I really need some quiet time to think Fin, and chill. There is just so much spinning round in my head at the moment."

Fin sighed. He could read Amanda like an open book, really.

"Then take some time in Ken's room 'manda? You could try and get some kip too, you didn't sleep too well last night."

Amanda flipped out and started walking towards the door.

"You're not going to keep my prisoner here Fin," she stormed, "I can do what the fuck I like, If I want time alone I can have it."

Fin grabbed his coat.

"Two can play that game manda, if you want to go for a walk, I fancy going for a walk around 10 paces behind you."

"And I'll arrest your ass on a fucking stalking charge if you do" She screamed back in his face.

"No 'manda, you aint going Gambling."

"NO, I'm not, _you always think the fucking worst of me, don't you. Fucked up Amanda with her fucked up life, wants to go and gamble away everything shes fucking got. Fuck you!"_

"You ain't going 'manda. You need to stay right here until you're thinking straight."

Fin blocked Amanda from leaving. She tried to push past, but 24 year old, 5"2, 120lb Amanda had nothing on 54 year old, 5"10 200 lb Fin. She tried to hit him, shove him out the way, but he didn't budge. She tried to kick his shins, but he just spun her around. Amanda sunk to the floor, screaming turning into wailing, turning into sobs.

"I know I'll probably loose Fin, but can't you see, I might win, I could wipe off all my problems in one hand of cards. I deserve some luck Fin, its my turn to win, you gotta let me go… _please Fin._ If you cared about me, you'd at least let me try once… I promise it'll just be once."

"No Barbie, you're done with luck, done with betting."

"But the longer I don't pay, the more it is. I can't afford the repayments Fin, not now Kims nicked everything. I was gunna sell some stuff, my TV and all I didn't need that… I was going to pay some of it off. The interest they're charging me, Fin… they'll make me do stuff if I can't pay, bad stuff… Fin please let me try."

"Barbie, I meant what I said when I said I'd help you straighten out, I promise I did. You and gambling are done Barbie, no more… No more."

"Im sorry Fin," Amanda cried, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hit you, I'm so sorry."

"I know Barbie," he said softly, once again wrapping Amanda tightly in his arms, "I am so sorry" was all he heard for a while.

They sat like that, by Fin's door for quite a while. Fin softly chatting to Amanda to calm her down, rocking her back and forth at times. Amanda's eyes were drooping, and Fin wasn't surprised. Not only had she had next to no sleep that night, she had just expended serious amounts of energy in that outburst. Fin continued to rock her until she fell asleep, and carried her back to Kens room, taking off her shoes and tucking her back into bed. He drew the curtains again and switched the light off, quietly shutting the door behind him.

Fin went back to his kitchen to find his phone, where he had left it on charge. There were a couple of texts from his team which he didn't know how to respond to.

Olivia had sent him a quick message: _Give our Barbie-girl my love will you, horrible thing for Kim to have done. Can't imagine what she's going through with that betrayal! I texted her, but she's not responded. Guessing her deadbeat sister nicked her charger too! Let me know if I can be any use, O._

Cragen on the other hand, had sent a much simpler message: _How bad is it?_

He responded to Olivia's first: _She knows shes got a team, whether she is ready to believe it I don't know. Ill say you said hi_ _, F x_

To Cragen, he didn't know what he could say to describe the last few hours, where he had seen perhaps more of true Amanda than anyone else had ever seen.

Eventually he decided it could not be put down in words.

 _Its bad boss, call me when you can._

It was a few hours before Amanda woke up, blearily coming into the lounge where Fin was sat in front of the TV. She sat down next to Fin, obviously seeking some comfort from her partner in proximity.

"Fin… " she said quietly…"Can you take me to a meeting tonight? Its just…I know its stupid…. But I don't trust myself to stay right now, not without someone there…" Amanda tailed off. Not realising she had finished what she was asking, Fin remained quiet.

"I'm sorry, I know you've probably got stuff you wanna do. I guess I'll just need to try harder tonight than normal."

"Barbie Girl," Amanda turned her face to look at him. "You don't even need to ask," Fin responded, and pulled Amanda into a side hug, and Amanda accepted leaning into her partner. "Now, I was thinking. You need to get yourself together, and I bet you could do it super fast without having to pay rent on a place, now Kens all moved out with his partner, I got a spare room going here. It would save you refurbishing a place, we'd just need to get you some new clothes and all. You could serve notice on your flat now, its still before five, and I bet you could get away with 2 weeks notice as you've had such little time there."

"But… you want me living with you?" Amanda had sat up and was looking at Fin.

"Your good company 'Manda, you need to sort some stuff out and its quiet here at night. It'd be nice to have someone to share the housework with from time to time, and I know what a neat freak you are!" Fin said, hoping to get a smile from her.

"I don't want charity Fin, I've never wanted charity. I got myself into this mess, I should get myself out."

"'Manda, this aint about charity. I want to help you out. Sometimes the quickest was out of a hole is to accept a helping hand out of one! I meant what I said too. It's quiet here, too quiet. It would do us both some good to live with someone again I think. I need someone to drag me out on a day off, so I don't just hide away and forget about how shit the world can be on my weekends!" Fin paused.

"But if you need time so think 'manda, I'll understand. But 20 large would clear a lot quicker without paying 12 large a year in rent!"

"You really want me to live here Fin? You won't change your mind a month down the line when you realise how fucked up I am at the moment. I couldn't deal with that Fin, I couldn't…I won't be easy to live with Fin, I won't be easy at all!"

"I've never been more sure of anything 'manda, honest I haven't. You know I'm not a liar"

"Okay." Amanda says, smiling at her partner, another tear rolling down my face. "I still don't get why you crazy old man, but if you're sure, then okay, I'd love too."

Fin pulled her back into the side hug, and she pulled her feet up onto the sofa and dropped her head onto Fins side. Fin kept his arm around her, but flicked the TV on.

"What do you wanna watch?" Fin asked.

"Something happy or interesting. You choose, but not scary" Amanda responded.

Fin flicked through the TV channels and eventually settled on a programme about ancient Egypt, which was pretty cool and quite interesting. Fin was normally into Sports or Horror films, but somehow didn't think his stereotypical southern Barbie girl would want to watch the football, and as she said no scary, he definitely had to honour that. He ended up really enjoying the documentary. As it finished, Amanda really quietly said something. He did manage to make it out.

"I started gambling to reward myself for not self-harming, you know."

Amanda stayed leaning against Fin, so he rubbed her arm soothingly to see if she would continue.

"That's why I have been struggling so much recently. I can't gamble, and I can't cut if I want to keep my job. I've been worried for the longest time I'll end up turning to the bottle you know, but even already I've seen so many great Police Officers ruined by drink, that gambling just seems so less harmful that at times I question If I want to stop…. because If I do, will I just end up an alcoholic or something worse? If I swapped being a harm-addict for a gambling addict, what's to say I won't just carry on swapping addictions until there is nothing left to be addicted too. That's what I am going to say at GA tonight. I've never shared anything before Fin, I've just sat there and listened. I think…I think tonight's the night I want to share Fin. I feel like this is rock bottom Fin, I don't know how much more I can cope with."

Fin kept rubbing her arm in circles, in part to draw this young woman closer to him to try and show he cared, and in part because he was lost for words and didn't know how to respond for the best. Olivia, out of all the people in the squad was the person who did this sort of thing best. Fin at that moment, questioned whether he should even be there. He felt like a fraud trying to show so love and parenting to his partner, when he knew he had failed so miserably to provide adequate care to his own child. But, Fin mused, in light of Amandas parenting, Fins vacant style of being a dad to Ken would probably win parent of the year award.

"Well…." Fin started, "Even if you decide against telling everyone at the meeting 'mandy, I'm proud of you for telling me that. I don't think you'll end up a drunk 'Mandy, I really don't. If you quit self-harm, even if it wasn't in the healthiest way, I think that shows you have more will-power than you believe you do."

"Do you… do you want to see my scars?" Amanda stammered out, sitting up to look at Fin.

"If you want to show me Amanda," Fin responded seriously, "Only if you want to show me."

Amanda nodded, and responded, "I think I do." She shrugged off her cardi, and lifted her cami top up to reveal arms and a belly layered with white lines, some very faded, a few slightly red, some keloid scars but most flat. Amanda shivered.

"I'm so ugly Fin," she said, looking down at her belly, rubbing her tummy akwardly, slowly feeling where the deepest scars had been. "Such a mess of a human being. Its why I fucked things up with Nick you know. We were getting too close and it would have gone… well, you know where it would have gone, and I couldn't have that. I couldn't handle someone else knowing how fucked up I am Fin."

"Barbie…" Fin tried to start.

"Theres more Fin," Amanda said more boldy. It was as if with every piece of information about herself shared, she had become a little bolder. She had not been rejected with the small pieces of information so she tried to make herself more weird and disgusting to see when the rejection would happen. Amanda stood up and unbuttoned her trousers. They fell to the floor, and Amanda stood there in her bra and knickers, shivering slightly.

"Look at me Fin, just look at what an Ugly, retarded fuck up I am!" Fin could see that this was where the deepest scars were. They were older too, but far deeper. Whereas on Amanda's belly there had been one or two keloid scars, many more of these had that raised, shiny appearance of a wound too deep for the body to repair from. Fin even made out the word Ugly dug into her skin. 

Fin pulled a throw off the sofa and wrapped the now shivering Amanda in it to try and maintain her dignity.

"I don't think your Ugly 'Mandy, and I don't think you're a fuck up. You've been through some shit 'Mandy, but all these show is you survived. They're something to be pround of 'Mandy. Any man that thinks they make you ugly, is not a man you need in your life 'Mandy, trust me on that. I know I've not known Nick long, but I can guess our little choir boy would tell you the same thing too, when you feel ready to show him."

"I'm sorry Fin," Amanda murmered, "Can we watch TV now."

"Course we can Barbie-Girl, of Course." He pulled her into her side, and she curled up against him, shivering slightly. Together they put notice in on her flat, and made tea. Fin really believed they were getting somewhere, it had been a positive day.

So that night, Fin took Amanda to her meeting. She sat there trembling the whole time, he could tell she was trying to work up the courage to share. She started to speak at one point, but stopped herself, embarrassed. Silent tears rolled down her face, as the facilitator moved the topic swiftly on. Afterwards, an older lady came over to Amanda, and gave her a hug. Fin tried to hear what was going on but couldn't. He watched the lady tuck some hair behind Amanda's ear and smile at her in a motherly way. Fin smiled in relief. At least there was someone here looking out for her. Amanda was silent in the car on the way home, and had drifted off by the time Fin pulled back in the driveway.

Fin went to his door and lifted her out. It wasn't difficult, Amanda was only little, maybe 5 foot 2 at best, and weighed very little. He carried her upstairs, and for the second time in a matter of days, tucked his young partner into bed.

The next day proceeded fairly normally as far as Amanda and Fin were concerned. In fact, the week proceeded fairly normally. Amanda was on the ball, but quieter than normal. Generally, she seemed really with it. He had noticed she was spending a lot of time on her phone, but hadn't really thought much of it. For someone who rarely slept more than 2 or 3 hours without a nightmare though, he wasn't sure how she did it. Well, of course, copious amounts of really sugary latte drinks was mostly how. Her eating habits were worse than ever, her infamous sectioned tupperwear boxes were back with precisely measured and sliced salad items containing, as Fin saw it, no calories of any use. It wasn't just the nightmares that were concerning Fin though. It was the cold showers, that lasted 30 minutes to an hour, the finding Amanda in the bathroom completely blanked out and practically hypothermic, and taking her back to her room, it was the helping her get into clean, dry Pyjamas. It was what she said in her nightmares… "no… please don't… I'm sorry…" and always "don't touch me," and a scream before she woke up, covered in sweat, fists flying everywhere if Fin had been there trying to wake her up. On night 8 though, Fin snapped. Amanda had wet the bed in the grip of fear of this nightmare, which wasn't really the issue that was easily solvable. Amanda had managed (much to Fin's chagrin) to land a solid right hook on Fins eye, and they had some posh dinner engagement with people from Amanda's old Police Force, Atlanta, the next day.

Amanda realised what she'd done, ran out before Fin could stop her and locked herself in the bathroom.

"For fuck sake Amanda, you gotta start talking to me," he snapped through the door. "I can't help you if you just run every fucking time."

Fin paused. He needed to wipe the annoyance out of his voice. Big breath. _Breath Fin, he said to himself, breath._

"Amanda, I wanna help you"

"Go away Fin…" He heard her sob through the door.

"I wanna help you Manda, you gotta let me in this door"

"I _can't_ " was all he managed to make out.

"You can Barbie, just pick yourself up and unlock the door."

The door clicked open. Amanda just stood there tears running down her face.

"I can't be helped Fin, I'm sorry. I'm so _so sorry._ " She stood there swaying back and forth. It was then that he noticed a bottle of paracetamol in her hand. "I'm sorry Fin,"

"Amanda… what have you done?" He shook her shoulders urgently.

"I wanted to, I really did… but what if it didn't work and I had to fucking live with it. What if it didn't work Fin?"

"You're being honest Amanda, you've not taken anything? Swear to me Amanda,"

" _What if it didn't work_? I wanted to Fin, I wanted to do it so bad…." was all she mumbled back. " _I've sucked at everything else so far, figures I'd get the dosage wrong or something."_

Fin let go of the breath he was holding and grabbed her to stop her from falling to the ground. He managed to manoeuvre her in the direction of the shower.

"Fin, _please help me._ I'm so tired, I don't want to be stood here in my own fucking piss _."_

Fin began stripping Amanda down as gently as he could. It was like undressing a small child. She was able to move her arms and her feet that was it. He turned the shower on and rinsed her off. Wrapping her in a big, fluffy towel, he maneuverer her out of the shower and into the lounge, realising he needed to change her sheets. He sat her down and went to leave the room.

" _Don't go Fin. Don't leave me."_

Fins heart broke.

"I ain't leaving Amanda" he said, kneeling down to try and look her in the eye. "I ain't leaving, just going to change your sheets so we can get you back to bed is all."

" _No, I mean tomorrow Fin. Don't leave me alone with him, with any of them, but especially not him… please."_

"With who Manda?"

" _Patton and his cronies,"_ she said, tears running down her face. She raised up her arms and Fin gave her a massive hug. She clung onto him, as someone would cling onto a ring if they were drowning, and perhaps she was drowning in a sea of terror, despair and hopelessness.


	2. Chapter 2

**NB: Obviously I know this isn't in order of episodes, however, here goes…**

Fin continued to hold Amanda, rocking her backwards and forwards, trying to sooth her fears. Inside his head though, he was reeling. _What did Patton have to do with his girl? With how she was feeling?_ It was all beginning to piece together, a little bit. He wasn't foolish, he had worked in SVU for 14 years now, he knew what a victim looked like and Amanda had it written all over her. He just guessed it was to do with growing up without _good enough_ care, with parents like the scum bags he had met as part of the course of his work for the past 14 years. He never figured something had happened to her since she was an adult, and he hated the fact that a police officer of all people should be the one to strike such fear into her. He noticed Amanda had fallen asleep, and carefully got up, taking a second to tuck her in and kiss her forehead. He went to the bathroom, and picked up her jeans, which now stunk of piss, and chucked them in the washer, before going to strip the bed. There was no point making it tonight, he thought. He took off the sheets, tipped the mattress onto one side, before opening the window and shutting the door, trying to insulate the rest of the flat from the now cold room as much as possible.

He threw the sheets in the washer and switched it on, before checking on Amanda again, and going to bed. Once in bed, he tossed and turned, unable to switch his head off. At half five, he gave up and got up. In the kitchen, he put the coffee pot on, zoning out for a second. He was brought back to reality by a buzzing of a phone.

" _You better not have blabbered, bitch."_

Fin nearly dropped the phone in shock, but didn't, and managed to put it back down exactly where it had been placed in the kitchen. He didn't want to rumble Amanda, make her think he was out to get her too. That would make her shut down and run as fast as she could in the other direction.

He checked on Amanda, her phone hadn't woken her. Infact, she was still sleeping soundly on the sofa, wrapped in the giant cotton towel, and covered with several fleece blankets. She was curled up in on herself, sucking her thumb, looking for all the world like a little girl. Fin smiled, in spite of himself. It was nice to see her relaxed. He shut the lounge door, and went to his room, as far away from Amanda as possible so as not to wake her. It was nearly 6am, he thought, not horrendously unreasonable as a time to phone his captain.

" _Boss, it's me, sorry to wake you," Fin said_

" _No problem Fin, how can I help you? Everything ok?" Don Cragen responded, blearily._

" _Yea Boss, I'm fine… 'Manda, I'm not so sure…" Fin started._

" _What happened? You get a breakthrough?" Cragen asked._

" _Kinda, but not how you think… Its not to do with her sister. She's been having nightmares, bad… disassociating. It's happened most nights this week, sometimes two or three times a night. Its why she's been on so much coffee, you must have noticed."_

" _Yea, I figured it was just after Prison, and her sister,"_

" _Well, what do you know about how she transferred?" Fin asked. "Honestly, boss, no holding back. She's my partner and I need to know shes ok."_

" _I don't know much if I'm honest Fin. She's the youngest ever to earn her shield, you know that right? She broke open a massive case that in New York would have gotten her a commendation, but in Atlanta earned her the quickest transfer you can imagine to a unit of her choice. Why she chose us, I never understood… new start? I don't know. She could have gone anywhere Fin, FBI, Anti-terrorism… any of the big ticket units, earned big bucks, but she chose us."_

" _The highest conviction rate of any SVU unit in the whole country."_

" _Exactly. It's gotta be personal for her… hell it is for most who stick it. So what do you know?" Cragen asked._

" _Well… when she woke up, she … she begged me not to leave her alone with her old PD tonight. "Patton and his cronies" to use her precise words. She got a text through this morning._ _ **You better not have blabbed, bitch.**_ _Boss, I think we know who hurt our Barbie… and I want them to go down, hard. Whoever hurt her needs to do hard time boss"_

 _Don sighed audibly._

" _Right. Tomorrow you work from home, do whatever, I'm not bothered. You try and get her to tell you what's up, but we all know how unlikely that is… Unfortunately I can't get you out of tonight, unless we catch a case, in which case you and Manda are fishing first, do don't drink and make sure she doesn't either. But again, we all know the one time we want New York's criminals to help us out they won't." Both Fin and Don chuckled momentarily. "But you stay with her Fin, whatever it takes. We stay on her back, and make sure nothing else happens to her. Not on our watch Fin,"_

" _I got her back, Captain, you know that, I ain't going to let anything happen to her, but you needed to be in the loop,"_

" _I appreciate that Fin, remember tonight, you can't get personal. You can't let Amanda get personal. We want them to go down, we need to do this professionally."_

" _Got it,"_

Fin heard stirring from the lounge.

" _Got it boss, see you tonight, thanks for the day man,"_ Fin said, incase his partner was listening in. He hung up, and opened the door. The lounge door was still shut. He opened it quietly, and his partner was still sleeping on the sofa. She had turned around, and in the process knocked a book from the side, and knocked a blanket onto the floor. He picked the blanket back up and tucked his partner in, and went back to the task of making his coffee.

Fin was sat at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, typing up his paper logbook from the past few days, when his partner woke up. He knew officers whose careers had been saved by keeping a good logbook, and it was one of the thing Cragen's insisted his officers do, especially given the nature of the crimes they investigated. Amanda rolled into the kitchen blearily, still clasping the towel around her.

"Do I wanna know what happened last night? And where my the fuck my clothes are?" Amanda smiled blearily.

"You don't remember?" Fin asked.

"No… should I? How much did we drink? And, I thought you said you didn't wanna fuck me Fin, you lied!" Amanda laughed.

"Manda, sit down," Fin said, grabbing the coffee jug to pour her out a mug. He added the cream and sugar he knew she craved. Amanda, looking confused sat down. Fin passed the coffee across the bar.

Amanda picked up her phone at the same time she picked up her coffee. She dropped the whole mug all over herself at the same time as dropping her phone. Tears were rolling down her face, streaming, and all that was coming out of her mouth was _no, no, no._ She sank down on the floor, the towel had come loose.

"Amanda, Amanda," Fin approached her, hands up in a defensive position to show he wasn't trying to hurt her.

She was hyperventilating, hitting her head back against the wall, hard, saying _no, no, no,_ over and over again.

"Mandy," Fin tried… "Barbie-girl, come on, its Fin, you're safe," He hugged her side on, pulling her the towel to give her some dignity, putting his hand behind her head. She suddenly registered his presence.

"I'm not fucking safe with you, you shagged me and you promised that isn't what you wanted. You fucked me and I don't even remember it. You're an SVU detective, I didn't twig until now it's cos you're a dirty bastard," she stood up, screaming at him, she reached for something, anything to throw at him.

"Amanda, SHUT UP," his voice cut across her screaming.

"Or what Fin? What else you going to do?"

"Amanda, I didn't sleep with you. I promise… I'll take you for a fucking rape kit if you want. But I swear, on my life I didn't rape you."

Amanda stood, shivering, crying still.

"Ken's life… swear on Ken's life," Fin said.

Amanda sunk down. "What the fuck happened then, why was I in the lounge, why was I naked Fin, I don't get it." Amanda looked up through the curtain of hair.

Fin approached her.

"Amanda… you had a nightmare last night, ok." Fin started, he was still moving towards her, trying to reach out to rub her shoulder.

"You wet the bed, Manda. Your clothes and the sheets are in the washer." Fin paused.

"What? Like some fucking baby?"

"Like someone that was really scared of someone bad 'Manda. Real, real scared. That's ok, you know that right. If someone hurt you, it's ok to be scared."

Amanda burst out crying.

"Mandy, once you woke up, you locked yourself in the bathroom. You said you wanted to kill yourself… that you really wanted to kill yourself. You had a whole bottle of paracetamol in your hand 'Mandy."

Amanda sniffled, "If you want me to move out Fin, I will. I'm sorry I'm causing you so much stress."

"Manda, I don't want that. That's not why I'm telling you this. I was so scared, for a second I really thought you'd checked out and killed yourself. You didn't do it, and I was so proud of you for doing that. But afterwards… you asked me something…" Fin paused, incase Amanda realised what she had asked him.

"What did I ask you Fin?"

"You asked me not to leave you alone with _Patton and his Cronies._ "

Amanda curled into Fin, shaking.


	3. Chapter 3

So Amanda just sat there, shaking. Fin continued to rub her arm, waiting for her to speak. Nothing came, out of her mouth, until…

"Fin… Patton hurt me… he hurt me bad,"

"What did he do Amanda?"

"You won't believe me."

"Why won't I believe you 'Manda, I know you're no liar."

"Before… they just called me a whore, they said I wanted it… I was begging for it. How do I know it will be any different."

"Because it is different now 'Manda, you're with us. Me, Nick, Olivia, Munch and the Captain, we're family, we take care of our own kiddo. We will keep you safe, but we need to know what we're dealing with."

"You can't protect me from them Fin, no one can."

Amanda was hyperventilating. Fin pulled her tighter into a side hug.

"They'd have to get through me to get to you Barbie, you know that right."

Chillingly, Amanda just looked up at Fin.

"That's exactly what I'm worried about Fin." Amanda, stood up and walked out back to Kens room.

"Where are you going?" Fin sprung up, worried.

"I'm getting dressed, and I'm going to work. Got a problem with that?" Amanda said, slightly aggressively.

"PJ day 'manda. Captain gave us till the conference off. Work from home on our logbooks and whatever, anything else off is time in leiu."

Amanda looked quizzically at him, but turned around and went to Kens room. She came out dressed in full running kit.

"I thought I said PJ day."

"You did, but as you didn't give me a straight answer as to why, I'm taking a run to the station to find out for myself."

Fin took a low breath in.

"I told the Captain about last night."

Amanda's eyes narrowed.

"You told him I pissed myself like some fucking baby, that I tried to kill myself… Fin… _why DO YOU WANT TO GET ME SACKED?_ "

"What do you take me for, I didn't tell him that Amanda… why would I? But I have no problem having an argument with you about a situation where your life would be in danger without our support. Because what you said to me last night, what you said to me this morning, tells me that Patton is a really bad man, who has hurt you and scared you more than some of the worst criminals I have ever met."

Amanda looked down.

"He is the worst I have ever met." She said, quietly.

"What did he do to you 'Manda? What did he do, that has the bravest young woman I have ever met running across the country and leaving everything in Atlanta to try and escape him."

"He…" Amanda was looking down at her feet, her eyes watery. She sank down against the wall again and was no looking straight ahead, obviously lost in some horror in her own mind, and was this time scratching her arms, hard. "He raped me Fin…" She managed to get out in one big breath.

Fin grabbed her into a big hug, which Amanda accepted. No tears this time, I think she was all cried out, but she just clung to him, feeling safe for the first time in a very long time.

"You need to tell us everything Barbie. Everything. We believe you 'Manda, we'll be with you every step of the way, but he needs to do time for this, and the only way we're going to catch him is with your help"

"Fin, he's untouchable. He's got friends everywhere… he's gunning for the top job in Atlanta PD, but he doesn't just have people there… everywhere… but he's as dirty as they come and I don't have enough evidence to take him down. I tried Fin, I really tried. But I gave up trying, it was getting too scary… too much. He's going to kill me Fin, to stop me from testifying… he'll kill anyone in his way. I love you guys all so much, I don't want you getting dragged into this. "

Fin was shaking with rage. But then he stood up, pulling her up too. He grabbed hold of her shoulders.

"He can't get away with it,"

"He always has done Fin, for years… why would it change now? He killed my dad, Fin, I'm sure of it. I got all the evidence I managed to collect before I left in my lockbox at work… he killed my dad, he's Irish Mafia, drug dealing, sex trafficking and exploitation rings the works…."

"That's how you knew…"

Amanda was crying again now…

"Knew what Fin, that's how I knew what?"

"Knew how to get the dirt on the ring you took down in Atlanta. I'm right aren't I Amanda?"

Amanda nodded, slightly, imperceptibly and pushed past Fin to the bathroom, again getting there in time to lock the door. This time, however, Fin was not able to talk Amanda into opening the door. By the time Fin had actually managed to shoulder barge the door open, Amanda had inflicted several medically superficial cuts to her belly.

"It helps you know…" She said, looking up at him, in an almost serene state of calm. "It's a little bit of control, it feels good… the endorphins make you feel good. It's almost as good as getting high." Amanda was rambling now a little bit. "Sometimes I did that, to forget him touching me, Fin, to forget him holding me down, or getting his little friends to hold me down so he can fuck me like I'm some fucking doll." Amanda was staring as a space in the wall behind her, "I'm not your fucking doll Patton, you didn't fucking destroy me like you wanted,"

Fin was beginning to think he was in over his head. He had dealt with complex victims before, but Amanda was for the second time, in less than 24 hours, completely disassociating in front of him. He wanted to call Olivia, Munch, Nick… anyone, he needed help… but he had to deal with the immediate crisis before he could do any of that, and that he would have to do alone.

"Amanda," Fin tried to get her attention, he tapped her shoulder, she shrunk away,

"I'm not doing it again tonight, Sir, I'd rather take you up on your kind offer of killing me,"

"Amanda," Fin tried again,

"I'm not your fucking doll, SIR, I ain't doing it, I don't give a fuck what you do to me, I'm not stripping for your fucking cronies again,"

"Barbie," Fin tried to tap her on the shoulder.

"I got shit on you Patton, don't you forget that. You ain't ever going to find out where I keep it. You don't let me go tonight, and my computers going to automatically send it to the daily fucking ledger. National news you'll be, the worst cop in the world."

"Sunshine… it's just me, no one else is here… " Fin pulled her into a hug and started rubbing small circles on her hands. "Just me and you Barbie, Partners. You're safe. No Patton, none of his friends. It just me and you, safety is on the door, you're going to be ok."

The blank look was washing away from Amanda's face. She looked down and saw the blood spreading on her t-shirt.

"I'm going mad Fin, aren't I?"

"I think what you're going through, Amanda, would drive anyone mad. I don't think you're alone in that."

"I don't even remember cutting myself, Fin. I just remember you asking me about my case, and then nothing."

"I think you're having dissasocative flashbacks, Manda, you know, PTSD"

"So you think I am mad,"

"No Mandy, I think you have PTSD because someone did something bad to you. Or maybe lots of people did, but whatever you've been through, whatever your feeling now is ok. You know, nothing wrong at this time?"

"He raped me Fin. But If I'm going to tell you, If I'm going to report. You gotta be with me right? No backing out when it all seems too crazy for one of the brothers in blue to have done. No backing out cos you think I'm just some white hoe wanting to make a bit of money or get some publicity. You got me Fin? You got my back?"

"Always Manda," Fin breathed a sigh of relief. She was going to let them in this box. "Just stop running, we got you".


	4. Chapter 4

NB: This won't become a Finanda, don't worry… I think Fin will be more of a parent/ carer here than relationship material. That's the way I figure this going down. Amanda kind of like the daughter he never had.

It was like a weight coming off Amanda's shoulders. Maybe someone would believe her, maybe someone would care. A little part of her was shouting that even Fin, _loyal Fin, honest Fin,_ even he would let her down. Amanda tried to block that voice out.

" _He's a good man,"_ she whispered.

"Manda, I didn't catch that."

Amanda's eyes shot up, startled.

"I didn't catch what you said Manda, sorry. _Going deaf in my old age._ " Fin smiled at her.

Amanda smiled back. "I said you're a good man, you deaf old coot."

Amanda inhaled.

"I wanna go to the station. I … If I'm going to tell, I don't want to have to do it again, and again, and again. I just want it to be over as quick as possible. The details to trace my rape kits are in my filing cabinet as well."

"Ok 'Manda, however you want to tell… I'm so proud of you. Wait, did you say rape _kits?_ "

Amanda sighed, "I'll tell you later Fin. Please, just let me do it once."

Fin grabbed her in a hug. Amanda gladly accepted it. They stood there in silence for a while, Fin just allowing Amanda to take some feeling of comfort or safety from him.

"What am I gunna say to Nick?" she murmered. "I gotta tell him, I gotta tell him this is why I screwed us up, I don't want him to just read my statement,"

"I'll help you figure it out later 'Manda, you just gotta worry about yourself now,"

Suddenly, the phone interrupted them.

" _Tutuola," Fin answered._

" _Hey Fin, sorry, we caught a case. You and 'Manda are up if you're good to go, hopefully it will get you out of the conference this afternoon." Don told them. Fin covered the phone._

" _We're up for a case 'Manda if you're good,"_

" _Is that the boss? I'm good if you are?" Amanda smiled weakly, going to her room to get out of her running kit into something more suitiable for going to work in._

" _We got it boss, message me the details."_

" _Thanks Fin, our girl alright?"_

" _She's good boss, chat later," Fin hung the phone up._

"We good to go partner?" Amanda came out of her room in her usual jeans and long sleeve top.

They rocked and rolled out of the apartment and went to the supposed location of the crime scene. When they got there it was clear the girl had split. They did the usual, contacted the hospital to see if the girl had sought medical help, interviewed the couple who had found the girl, but they were not much help. The girl was 5 foot 4, beaten and shaken, but with a very average description.

They would have to hope she became brave enough to come forward. Amanda hoped beyond hope that she would, she was perhaps only now beginning to realise how much pain carrying the crimes against her had caused.

By the time they had finished up with the case, they had to head straight to the national PD conference on using Social Media to solve cases. Fin knew the others had been vaguely briefed by the Captain to keep an eye on Amanda at all times, but she did not know this, and was visibly nervous. He could spot her foot tapping, and her constant eye shifting. Amanda was socialising superficially, but he could tell she was gaining confidence and security from being around her new team. Nick mentioned that the Atlanta Department had invited them out for drinks, and Amanda successfully managed to bow out- raising some suspicion, but nothing too dramatic.

Fin invited Amanda back to his flat, and Amanda said she would come back later as she wanted to walk Frannie. Fin stayed up until 2am, worried, given what she had said. He didn't hear her come in, but she got in around 5am.

The following day, he tried several times to wake her, but eventually gave up and went to work. He stopped by Cragens office as soon as he got in to mention that Amanda may need to take a sick day, and tried to start telling his Captain about what happened last night. However, almost as soon as he began, a call came in reporting a hotel rape, and his partner rocked in, sunglasses down, hair looking a total mess.

Fin followed his Captain out of the office as he called out,

"Rollins, Benson, you're up. Hotel rape, victims at Mercy. You need to go take her statement and take it from there."

"You good?" Olivia said, looking up.

"Yeah, can we grab a coffee?" Amanda responded.

"Sure, I'll drive?"

"Sounds good." Amanda said.

Fin watched as Amanda followed Olivia out of the office. It was a slow morning, tying up loose ends on paperwork from old cases, preparing current paperwork for court. Whoever said being a police officer was all drama, was obviously on one.

That was until Cragen ran out of his office, face white as a stone.

"Fin, Munch, Amaro, we need to get to Mercy."

"What happened?" Nick asked.

"I don't know much, but Amanda has had to be sedated. Word is she lost it right after interviewing the vic, tried to hurt herself real bad."

Fins face went white.

"Lets go" he said.

When they got to Mercy A&E the place was, as usual, a hive of activity. They saw Olivia sat with an ice pack on her head trying to bat off a nurse, who appeared to be attempting to give Olivia swabs for a split lip.

"What the hell went down here?" Fin asked, immediately rushing over to Olivia.

"Honestly Fin, I really don't know." Olivia said, tears forming in her eyes. "They won't let me see her, they've taken her for Psychiatric assessment. This isn't Amanda, I know she's been struggling but what I just saw was _not_ Amanda,"

"Start at the beginning Olivia," Cragen said, sitting down. "You came to interview the victim,"

"That's the thing… the victim is the Atlanta Detective with Patton last night. She disclosed to the EMT but retracted it initially when we arrived. Her blood alcohol is 0.12, she has a split lip and they performed the rape kit while she was passed out, there is evidence of bruising. She withdrew the allegation initially when we got there, but eventually agreed to press charges. She's named Patton as her rapist… then said Patton had said to her it would never have happened if Amanda hadn't left. Amanda just walked out of the room and lost it."

Fin was shaking with rage at this. He should have insisted Amanda made her statement yesterday rather than catch the case and then go to the conference. He should have listened to Amanda sooner, watched out for her sooner, and pressed her harder sooner. Now another woman had been raped and his partner was banged up in some mental ward.

"It was like she was in another world… dissociation or something… she managed to grab a scalpel and cut herself before I could get it off her- she got me good, she's strong for a little lady" Olivia smiled, almost proud that Amanda had managed to land such a good hit in, they'd been going to self-defence classes together for the last couple of months

"They sedated her, but doctor thinks the dose they gave her could have her wiped out for ages as she's so little. They told me they weighed her as they got her into the ward… she's lost so much weight…" Olivia tailed off.

A doctor was walking towards them.

"Family of Amanda Rollins?" The doctor asked.

"That's us."

"Can I ask what relation to Amanda Rollins you are? Amanda Rollins has no next of kin listed."

"I'm her partner," Fin interrupted. "We're all her brothers in blue, that's more important than any blood, especially to her. Her family fall under the definition of _not worth shit_ according to Amanda."

The doctor nodded. "Ok, but when she is more stable, for goodness sake please encourage her to list a next of kin... Amanda briefly came around as we were transporting her to the Psychiatric Unit, she immediately vocalised an intention to end her life. I am informing you that we will be detaining her under section 4 of the Mental Health act for a period of 72 hours in order to initiate a mental health assessment if she does not agree to it voluntarily."

"She's not mad, she's traumatised," Fin tried quietly.

"That's a maybe doctor, but she has tried to end her own life, in a hospital, and assaulted a police officer who you are saying is a close colleague, possibly a friend? That points to someone that needs some help now before she makes a choice which means she can no longer get help."

There was a pregnant pause.

"It is difficult for friends to accept that someone may have reached breaking point. We need to assess whether Miss Rollins needs to access long term support for any mental health issues. She has a family history of mental health issues and other predisposing factors for many conditions. All we want to do is ensure that Miss Rollins is safe. I hope you will do everything in your power to encourage Miss Rollins to remain voluntarily, but if she chooses not to we will section her."

Olivia spoke up, "When can we see her?"

"You can go straight to the Psychiatric Unit now, I presume you know where it is?"

"Of course." Olivia responded, and picked up her jacket.

The doctor nodded, and turned around to walk off, recognising when he had been dismissed.

Olivia looked up at her colleagues.

"Well, what are you waiting for? I can't be the only one that is getting the picture that we will only put Patton away for Reeses' rape when we put him away for Amanda's."

The other detectives all followed Olivia, including Fin, who was struggling with whether it was up to him to tell what little Amanda had disclosed, or up to her. Whether it was her privacy, or the expediency of the case that was the greater issue. Whether he should be there when she woke up, or be at the station looking through her drawers to find the rape kit data. Fin wasn't prepared for this. It was too personal. This would leave him with nightmares just like when he had prevented Olivia getting raped. He wasn't trained for this was the only thought going through his head. And he was right. As they walked over to the psychiatric unit, nothing prepared him for the sight of his partner that he was presented with as he opened the door.

Three nurses trying to hold Amanda face up on the floor in the supine restraint. Amanda writhing around on the floor screaming, spitting.

"Don't you fucking sedate me again…"

The nurses trying to calm her down, engage her in deep breathing exercises and grounding exercises.

"Don't fucking sedate me… Just let me die. I do not want to live I WANT TO DIE".

His partner hitting her head back on the floor even during the restraint so hard that she made her head bleed.

A doctor coming over with an intra-muscular shot of a sedative. Probably lorazepam. His partner going limp on the ground. The nurses and doctors ushering him out. The doctor explaining his partner would be held for assessment for 72 hours, and this would be changed to a section 2 if they were unable to stabilise her to the point where she could be assessed in 72 hours. His partner, his little girl… his daughter in all but blood. It was like another world, his worst nightmare. He was completely zoned out until a voice cut through. Female voice, Olivia. Clicking fingers in front of his face.

"Fin, Fin." Olivia had him by his shoulders. "This is NOT your fault. But you can't check out. Amanda told you something right? We got 72 hours to nail this sonofabitch. That's how Amanda is going to get better, seeing Patton serve hard time… you know that right. Amanda's scared, what of, I don't know… but I sure as hell am going to find out, and I need your help."

Fin nodded. _Intake, exhale. Calm… He said to himself._

"Let's do this… let's get our Barbie girl her life back."


	5. Chapter 5

Fin, Olivia, Nick, Munch and Cragen rode back to the station in 2 cars, both in silence. As they walked upstairs the atmosphere was increasingly sombre. They all were struggling to reconcile the Amanda they had just seen with the usually professional, bright and happy Amanda. Munch went to put some coffee on as soon as they got in. Fin was just stood by his partners desk, trying to work out where to start.

"Lets get set up somewhere private," Cragen said, trying to motivate his team into action. "Interview 1, or something… somewhere where people can't see Amandas life plastered across a whiteboard."

The team set to work, wheeling various items into a room. When Munch came back with a pot of coffee and five mugs, they sat down.

"Right," Cragen said… "Lets start at the beginning. Fin, what do you know about what has gone on with Amanda. Everything, no holding back."

Fin breathed in and out. Amanda had told her this in confidence, he thought. How would she take another betrayal. Intimite details of her private life for the team to discuss like she was another victim. But it was necessary, he thought.

"I don't know a lot…" Fin begun. "You all know how close to her chest Amanda plays her cards. When she first moved here I did my research, but I really didn't find much. There are DV calls both ways between her mum and dad as a kid, but dads now dead, died when Amanda was 13… ruled a homicide but its now cold case. Kim was charged with juvenile delinquency when she was 13, Amanda was 17. Amanda got charged with breach of the peace about a week later when she chased her mum's boyfriend out the house with a shot gun. There are ACS records but only Amanda or Kim will have access to them. Amanda went to college on full scholarship, read forensic psychology, joined Atlanta PD and then transferred here. You know more about the transfer than me Captain."

Olivia had been making notes. Nick was just sat there in almost shock at the difficult life his colleague, friend and almost lover had experienced.

"I suppose that's where I come in. I was shocked we got Amanda, being honest. But she requested to come here… the youngest officer to ever use her shield requested to come here… I of course accepted her immediately. No interview, nothing. But the circumstances of it were odd. As a Uni, she'd taken the lead role in an UC operation which broke open a massive sex trafficking ring. She'd got her shield as a result, and the same case would have earned her a commendation up here… but down there she was kept on the hush and transferred out as soon as she requested it. Any department up here would have fought to keep her."

"So the question we gotta ask, is _why they wanted rid of her?_ " Munch asked.

"What about _how she broke the ring open?_ " Olivia said, "No new Police officer has enough contacts or experience to break this sort of thing open without some prior history."

"Fin, do you know anything? What about how Patton is linked?" Nick asked.

"She said she's got dirt on Patton in a lockbox at work, and details to trace the rape kits are in her drawer."

"Wait," Olivia cut across sharply, " _you said rape kits?"_

"Yes, I know. Amanda was very clear it was multiple. She is convinced Patton killed her dad, and has links in a lot of pies. One thing is for certain, this man scares the shit out of Barbie, and my guess is he's been involved in hurting her for quite a long time. Perhaps longer than she's been in the PD."

"Right, we need this lockbox, and we need to trace the rape kits. That's gotta be the first port of call. We need to process Reese's disclosure and see if that's enough to hold Patton. At least if he is arrested and arraigned on that by the time Amanda comes round, she might calm down enough to engage with us and see if we can get her to remain at hospital voluntarily." Olivia said.

"You know that aint going to stay voluntarily," Nick said, "she hates hospitals."

"Well," Fin said. "You're going to have to convince her."

"Me?"

"Yeah man… you."

"Why me?" Nick asked confused. "You got a better relationship with her. Christ, anyone can see she's practically your daughter."

"Because she loves you, Nick" Cragen cut across. "Anyone could see that. She's been head over heels for you almost since you rocked up with that ridiculous serpico beard. She needs to know you won't leave her, abandon her, when you find out what's happened to her. It's going to have to be you that convinces her to stay, you that gets her to trust, and you that takes her statement."

Nick nodded, eyes watering up, and stood up.

"Sorry…" He said, his voice breaking, "I need a minute."

"Take your time Nick, it's alright," Fin said, "God knows I've had to take enough minutes of worry over Barbie recently."

Nick walked out, taking his jacket with. The remaining members of the room could hear the lockers getting battered, but didn't say anything. Nick needed it, needed to get his anger out, his guilt and worry. His feelings that he had failed to protect, or failed to ask the right questions. Without Nick there, Olivia was able to ask Fin a tough question,

"Question is, what do you think her mental state is Fin. Do you think she could press charges? Do you think they will keep her after 72 hours?"

Fin inhaled and exhaled.

"There is no question of not pressing charges. We'll find a way to make it stick without her statement if we have to," Cragen interrupted. Olivia looked to Fin.

"She's not well." Fin stated… "She's been disassociating, having nightmares. Fairly full on hallucinations really, thought Patton was at the flat. She cuts herself. Hasn't for ages, she said, but did for the first time again a couple of nights ago…. Had a bottle of paracetamol, but only didn't take any cos she didn't think she'd get the dosage right." Fin's voice cracked, the trauma of seeing Amanda in that state only too recent in his mind. "Truth is, I think hospital is the best place for her. At least she's safe there, not only from Patton but from herself too."

Nick walked back in, his knuckles were a bit bloodied. Olivia mused not for the first time on the similarlities between Amaro and Stabler.

"Better?" Munch, who had been Nicks mentor almost since his arrival to the squad, asked.

"Much better." Nick responded. "Whats the plan?"

"We break open her draw and locker, find this lockbox and get to work."

Everyone nodded and filed out of the room.

A few hours later, they all reconvened to share what they had found. It has been a difficult 2 hours work. They had had to unscrew the filing cabinet Amanda had kept her information in, and Fin had had to tell a series of lies to get into Amanda's locker. Eventually they had recovered a small lockbox, which Nick unpicked the lock on, and a box file. The contents of the lockbox were 4 diaries which appeared to be written by Amanda when she was 14-17 years old, the box file containing the information from her UC case and details to trace 3 Jane Doe rapes which they presumed were Amanda's. While this had been going on, Cragen had shot up to the chief of D's office to try and get him to sign off on arresting Patton for the rape of Reese. He had been busy, but promised to come down as soon as he was free. It was as the Manhattan SVU unit were beginning to convene for an strategy meeting on Amanda's case, moving back into the interview room, that Munch noticed the chief of D's, Dodds, walking in the room. He made a surreptitious exit in order to lock up the interview room where all Amanda's life had been put onto the blackboard.

"Well Don, fill me in… what was so urgent that you needed me to see you straight away?" Dodds asked, straight to the point.

"We need your authority to arrest an officer, Sir," Cragen responded straight to the point.

"An officer… what… why I haven't I been informed. Whats the case."

"Hotel push-in rape last night, victim has identified deputy chief Patton as her rapist. Rape kit checks out,"

"What… hold on…. Patton's a fellow officer here, lets not jump the gun…"

"Well that's where it gets tricky… the complainant is also a fellow officer."

"Wait, who?"

"Detective Taymor of Atlanta SVU"

"So what do we know about Taymor… how do we know this isn't just some detective slighted over promotion or drunk sex regretted the next day."

Olivia flipped.

"Because she is a victim of a vicious sexual assault and what we do here is advocate for victims, Sir," She spat out.

"Benson, you're bordering on insubordination."

Oliva was shaking with range.

"Any other person accused, we'd have them in lock up and be questioning them now. This is not a case of one rule for one and another rule for the other. This is not a case of protecting a fellow officer. Taymor is also a fellow officer who we need to protect, and Patton is a rapist which we need to take off the streets."

Dodds could see he was getting no where against Benson. Realistically, she should have gone for promotion long ago, he mused, but he was unable to, however he tried, pursade her to leave SVU. He supposed he'd only see her taking her Sergants exam when Cragen retired. He changed tack.

"What does Rollins say? She used to work for him."

"She's unreachable at the moment." Cragen interjected.

"Why? Where is she? I've had no notification of any holiday requests."

"She's in hospital as of this morning."

"On the job injury? Again, I've had no notification… Where is she? Surley you can still talk to her in A&E."

Cragen inhaled and exhaled, he'd been hoping to avoid disclosing his detective being held in a Mental Health Unit.

"Understand I will go to bat for her, and you are not taking her jobs and you are not giving this case to IAB."

"Where is she Cragen?"

"Bellevue Extended Observation Unit."

"What?"

"You heard me, Sir. She's being held for 72 hours… Be aware from what we have uncovered so far, we believe Amanda to be a victim of Patton which is why we need him arrested before she is released. We believe her safety to be seriously compromised."

"Why is she being held?"

"That's not important Sir, what is important is we need to take a serial rapist off the street."

"Dammit Cragen, if I say it is important, it is important. She is possibly the best detective this country has ever seen and I want to know why she is being held for 72 hours in the bloody mental health unit."

"She found out about Taymor's rape, and tried to take her own life."

Dodds sat down, his face going white.

"Is she ok?"

"She will be, we will make sure of it. But the thing that will make her ok, is taking Patton off the streets."

"You're sure its him?"

"110%"

"Do it, go get Barba to sign off the warrant and go and pick him up. And for the love of god, make sure you get Rollins statement as soon as possible."

Olivia and Nick nodded and left the room, shooting as quickly as possible up to the court building to meet Barba. Dodds went back upstairs, leaving Cragen in his office and Fin and Munch going through Amandas diary.

It made for really distressing reading.

 _Dear Diary,_

 _Ma and Pa have no food in today. Again. Poor Kimmies real thin now. People at school are starting to ask questions. Ma says if I love Kimmie I'll do what she says and work for those men again. But I don't wanna do it. It scared this shit out of me last time. Ma said I can't tell dad, that he'd go mad. I gotta keep it secret. I don't know what to do. I really don't know…_

 _Truth is I'm scared. One of the men is apparently a Police Officer. How is that right… I'm sure paying to watch a kid strip is Illegal but apparently the law don't mean shit here. Watching Kimmie get healthier will make it worth it,_

 _Amanda._

Fin flipped to an entry in the diary from when she was 13. It was almost illegible with tear stains.

 _Dear Diary,_

 _Pa's dead and it's my fault. Kimmie told him that the people he owed money to aren't coming around to take it because… well because Ma is making me work for them. He went to speak to them, and now next thing I know, he's dead. I'm sure that Police Officer knows how to hide a weapon._

 _Amanda._

2 weeks later.

 _Dear Diary,_

 _They've declared Pa's death cold case, when its clear as day Patton murdered her. Even Kimmies school friends know he's bad news, and somehow he seems to have everyone working for him. I'm real scared now, nothing to stop Ma from just getting rid of me now. I always was a daddys girl she says, and she sure is right. Daddy loved me. She's madder than ever, and I just don't want Kimmie getting drawn in. She's gotta be alright. Please, if there is a god let her be ok._

 _Amanda._

Fin was in tears in shock at reading it all, and didn't really want to read any more. It was too private. Too personal, and very much something that Amanda should tell them, not something they should pry into and read like some trashy novel. This was the real world, and someone close to them who got hurt, not some fictional child in one of those abuse novels.

There was a raucous coming from the main floor. Fin and Munch exited interview room 1, to see an angry Patton being brought in, cuffs and all.

"Where is she… Where is that Slut Rollins… This is all HER fault. She's had a hard-on for me since she joined the PD. Where the fuck are you Amanda, come and face the music of your little conspiracy."

Suddenly, all Fin felt were Munch and Cragen holding him back, stopping him from committing the worst mistake of his career, and assaulting Patton with his fists.

"Not worth it Fin. We do our jobs right, Georgia will extradite him and he will face the death penalty."


	6. Chapter 6

As Fin walked away, Olivia and Nick dragged Patton into interview room 2, and almost threw him down onto the chair.

"Careful Benson, I'll add a suit for assault alongside wrongful arrest."

"Mike Patton, you have been arrested under suspicion of rape 2. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law," Olivia began.

"I know my bloody rights,"

"And you know we have to fully Mirandize you at this point."

"I want my bloody lawyer and I want my representative."

Olivia and Nick walked out.

"Said the magic words…" Olivia said to Barba who had arrived at some point in all the mess.

He collared a Uni. "See to it he gets his lawyer and rep here asap, I don't want him walking out of here without charge because we've not had enough time questioning him."

"Sir," The Uniformed Officer nodded and proceeded about his duty.

"So what have we got…"

"Taymor is alleging Patton walked her back to their hotel room, which was side by side. Invited her in for drinks, she accepted as she didn't want to look rude. Once inside, she is claiming he overpowered her and raped her. She came too on her own bathroom floor, CCTV shows Patton carrying her back to her room. She disclosed to the EMT who was called as she had hit her head. Rape kit checks out, signs of trauma, DNA match, she's got a split lip as well. Her blood alcohol was 0.12 so she was intoxicated last night."

"Do we think she's credible?" Barba asked, "He said she said… Has Patton got any history of impropriety? What does Rollins think?"

"That's where it gets tricky," Olivia said, ushering Barba back to interview room 1. Munch, Fin and Cragen were inside; Cragen on the phone to the Atlanta Forensics Dept, trying to clear the information on the rape kits as a matter of urgency. Fin and Munch were working through an SD card which was in the box file. Barba looked over the screen; it contained photos of Patton, amongst other people, entering and exiting a club and in compromising positions with young ladies. Barba almost fell down in shock when he recognised a picture of Amanda, looking incredibly young and very terrified, in a very revealing outfit.

"Is this what I think it is…?"

"We think so."

"Does Patton know you have this?"

"We don't think so, he knows Amanda has it. She told Fin he has stuff on her too, we are not sure what… but nothing could be more illegal than this."

"Good… find out what he has on Rollins, asap."

"That is going to be tricky, she's in the EOU at Bellevue."

" _What?"_

"Found out about Taymor and tried to take her own life."

"Ok, that makes things more difficult. You need to keep stum on Rollins for now, unless you can get Patton to admit to any crime in relation to it, just question him in relation to Taymor for now. No doubt he will claim consensual rough sex but I think we have enough to charge him on it for now anyway."

Barba pinched the bridge of his nose, looking stressed.

"You need to make sure we can stick this without Rollins if she is being held on mental health grounds. Make sure we know precisely what crimes took place, and when. Without Rollins and without a confession from Patton. Is there any forensic evidence."

"She told us there are rape _kits."_

" _Kits… Jesus wept." Barba said._

"We've traced details of 3 Jane Doe rapes Amanda kept hold of in her drawer which we are assuming are hers." Cragen cut in, "Their forensics said they would do them and send them up to us within the next 24 hours. We need to get the computer to Taru, get the photos time stamped… Photo recognition on any of the other faces, see if we can put names to faces and get corroborating witnesses."

"On it Captain," Munch said, grabbing the laptop and walking out with it.

They all stood there in silence for a few second. Olivia flicked open a page of the diary that was in front of her.

 _Dear Diary,_

 _The man at the club says he loves me. The Police man, Patton. Said he's my boyfriend. Told me boyfriends and girlfriends do special things together. If I loved him I would do it to make him happy. I don't even know what love is. Mum doesn't love me… Patton said Dad never made me do that stuff because he didn't love me either. That's a lie right, Daddy loved me, even if he was a bit useless with his money, he was a nice man. He tried to stop mummy making me work for them. The Police man scares the shit out of me. He… made me take my clothes off for him, which is nothing knew I suppose. Those men have been watching me take my clothes off all year. But he took his off. He made me touch his private parts for him… I didn't want to but he said he'd get Kimmie if I didn't. It was really weird. It made me feel… bad. For ages I thought he killed daddy but now I don't know. He's my boyfriend now apparently, and people boyfriends are nice people right. I don't know anything about anything anymore. It's all so confusing, I wish I could just run and run and run, but If I do, I'd have to take Kimmie with. Patton said if I tried to get away, he'd make sure the ladies in the skirts took me and kimmie to separate care homes and we'd never see each other again._

 _Amanda._

Olivia just sat there in shock and disbelief for a second. She couldn't believe what her colleague had been through, survived, and was still surviving.

"We gotta nail this SOB. Who knows how many lives he has destroyed."

"We'll get him Olivia, we'll get him. Keep the faith," Munch put his hand on her shoulder.

Olivia nodded. The uni knocked on the door.

"His rep's here, thought you'd want to know."

"Thanks Officer," Cragen responded.

"You ready?" Nick asked his partner. Olivia put on her game face. They both walked in.

"Lets cut to the chase here, my client is a busy man, and this charge is ridiculous."

"What about it is ridiculous, Buchannan. We have a rape kit with bruising and bite marks. DNA checks out to Patton… Detective Taymor has a split lip…"

"We had _consensual sex,_ Benson," Patton interrupted. "You are insubordinate."

"Well, we have a right to investigate as we like," Nick sat down. "So why don't you tell me what happened Sir… Obviously Taymor has said what she said, what's your side of the story. If it was consensual, why would she change her story now?"

"Because her and _Rollins_ obviously are out to take down anyone in their way. Look, I'd love to be the gentleman, but Rollins has an axe to grind."

Secretly, Olivia and Nick were head over heels in excitement. Patton had opened the door for them to question him on Amanda.

"So why has Amanda got an axe to grind?" Nick leaned back, using open body language.

"Come on Amaro, tell me she hasn't used those doe eyes on you."

"No actually, Sir. She's been professional to a point."

"Wow," Patton said sarcastically, "People really do change. Well, she threw herself at me to save her sister. I held off reporting her because I didn't want to can a good officer, even if she does have issues with boundaries, but really it was entirely improper. She applied for a transfer shortly after, and obviously she's pissed with me because I didn't go with her."

"Well that's interesting, obviously we will ask Amanda her side of the story."

"All lies, that's all that ever comes out her mouth."

"Well, we'll see about that…" Olivia interrupted, fed up with Patton bad mouthing their friend and colleague. "Anyway, why would Taymor claim you raped her? And if you really did have consensual sex, why carry her back to her room."

"Because I didn't want her to have to do a walk of shame the next morning."

There was a rapping on the door. Cragen was calling them out.

"We need to get the hospital. They've stabilised Amanda and they want to see us as part of the assessment."

"Are we done? Because my client has a Police Department to run?" Buchannan came out of the room, thankfully have not heard anything the other officers have said.

"No, your client is not done. He can be held without charge for 24 hours, and we intend to make full use of that."

"Well, NYPD can expect a suit for wrongful arrest," Buchannan said.

"I look forward to it," Barba cut across shortly. "See you in court," and with that Barba walked off. Buchannan returned to his client and the SVU team collected their stuff and travelled to the hospital.

When they got there, they were ushered into a room to speak to the lead psychiatrist.

"Ok, lets start the meeting." The psychiatrist pushed the tape on the recorder. "Present in the room are, Olivia Benson, Donald Cragan, Nick Amaro, Odafin Tutola and John Munch who are present in capacity of colleagues and next of kin of the patient, Amanda Rollins who is being held on a section 4 mental health assessment. The purpose of this meeting is to update Amanda's next of kin as to her state, and begin proceedings to hold Amanda on a section 2 if she is unwilling to admit herself voluntarily."

"So, how is she?" Olivia asked.

"We have been able to stabilise her mood and wake her up. She wants to see you Olivia."

"What do you mean, stabilise her mood?"

"She has been placed on several medications, Lorazepam which will reduce anxiety, Citalopram, an anti-depressant, and Quetiapine, a mood stabiliser. Additionally, she will be given a sleeping tablet Zopidem as she has reported nightmares stopping her from sleeping."

"That's a whole lotta drugs…" Fin commented.

"All of which, at the moment, are entirely necessary."

"Have you moved towards a diagnosis?" Cragen asked.

"It will be difficult, and require me to interview each of you separately, about your interactions and observations with Amanda. It will require me to interview her again, and also me to observe an interaction between you. From what I have managed to work out so far, she is definitely suffering from Depression and psychotic delusions which are possibly PTSD. I have concerns about her weight, and her self-harm. I'd like long term to look into whether she is personality disordered, possibly BPD."


	7. Chapter 7

When they eventually were allowed to see Amanda, they were all really nervous. As Amanda had asked for Olivia, it was decided to send her in first, even though they all thought it was important Amanda disclosed to Nick, or at least knew Nick didn't judge her for what happened, maybe she felt safer with a female.

Olivia's heart almost broke as she saw Amanda. She looked tiny on the bed in her scrubs, her arms were covered in large wound dressings, bandages not being used for fear of ligatures, Olivia presumed. A protein shake was on the bed next to Amanda.

"You ok?" Amanda asked, looking up at her through her bangs.

"I Feel like I should be asking you that Amanda…" Olivia responded.

"But they said I hurt you… they said I hit you hard…" She reached out for Olivia's hand. "I'm…"

"Don't even think about saying you're sorry Amanda, you do _not_ need to worry. I am _good,_ Amanda, we're good, _I promise._ " Olivia picked up Amanda's tiny hand and started rubbing it caringly as she sat down on Amanda's bed. "I'm just glad those self-defence classes paid off…"

"They said everyone saw… Saw me try to _kill_ myself. 'Liv… I don't know how to deal with that… It's all going to be different now…" tears were forming in her eyes… "What about work… can I even be a detective If I've been sectioned?"

"I don't know what's going to happen with work Amanda, but you are a great detective and everyone will go to bat to keep you, you know that right?" Amanda nodded weakly, rubbing the hot tears away as she tried to keep eye contact with Olivia.

"I don't know why…" Amanda started…

"Because you're our friend Amanda, and you are a good detective… great even. Youngest to earn your shield ever Captain told us this morning, I didn't realise that. In terms of everyone seeing you try to hurt yourself, that's up to you how much you tell us about why you feel like that… we were upset and worried for you Amanda, no more. You know there will never be any judgement from any of us Amanda, not about anything."

"I've done some bad things 'liv. Real bad things." Amanda started and then her whole body wracked in a sob. Olivia couldn't help herself, she took hold of Amanda in a fierce hug.

"I was horrible to Nick, 'liv. I don't ever know how I can sort that out, I was _so_ horrible to him. He must hate me. I hate me for what I did to him." She mumbled into Olivia's chest.

"He doesn't Amanda, he doesn't hate you I promise you. He loves you just as much as you love him, Ok... It's a blip, no more than that… You can get through this sweetheart I promise you, you can…"

"I'm so goddam tired of just getting through things though 'liv… So tired. I want things to be good not just coping until the next day… I don't even know if I can cope anymore…"

"Things will get better, Amanda… and they start with you talking to us about Patton. We've arrested him for Taymor's rape, we're going to charge him as soon as we're back… but you need to tell us what he did sweetheart, and then we can put him away for good."

"I'm just so fucking scared 'liv. He's got so much power."

"Not here Amanda, he's on your turf now… on our turf. He's just a scumbag rapist here, not a deputy chief of Police."

"I need to explain to Nick first… I need to tell him."

"Ok Amanda," Olivia moved herself away from Amanda, so she could see her face. "I'll get him to come in."

"Can… can you leave us alone for a little bit. I swear I won't hurt him Olivia, I swear I won't."

"I know you won't sweetheart, Ok I'll just go grab him from the waiting room, ok."

Amanda nodded, and Olivia left the room. Amanda was sat up on the bed, trying to scratch the back of her hand in her nervousness. The psychiatrist gave a thumbs up to Nick and sent him in. Nick took a big breath and then opened the door.

"I…" Amanda started, but was unable to carry on due to the sobs wracking her body. Nick rushed over to her. He wanted to hug her, touch her… reassure himself that she was real and still alive. His training told him to not touch victims unless they initiated it, but Amanda was just sat hugging her knees, burying her face.

"I said nasty things to you," he heard her mumble. "I was horrible to you so you left me." She mumbled.

Nick kicked himself, of course it had been a test that night in the bar, and he failed miserably. He didn't hit her, he mused, as much as she provoked him and obviously wanted him too, he walked away from her… but that had perhaps also been a test failure. Only he wasn't aware at the time it was a test.

"So you didn't see what a fuck up I am."

"I'm sorry I left you there that night at the bar 'Mand… I'm sorry."

"NO," Amanda looked up angrily. "This is NOT your fault, its MINE. I am the bad person here, not you Nick… Not you." She shouted. Before Nick could so anything, she pushed at him, trying to get him off her bed. Nick was getting worried. He didn't want to confirm what Amanda felt about herself in order to calm her down, but didn't want to trigger another incident.

Nick sat down on the chair, putting his palms up.

"Mandy, breath…"

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO." She yelled, picking up the bottle of protein shake and throwing it at Nick. He ducked, and the bottle shattered on the wall behind him.

"Amanda, you brought me in to apologise for something you did to me which hurt me, and now your throwing stuff at me trying to hurt me again? It doesn't make sense,"

"Well I'm locked up in the fucking mental health unit." Amanda spat out turning around to face the wall, moving foot to foot, clearly becoming more anxious. Nick knew Lorazepam was PRN and was beginning to wonder whether Amanda needed more drugs. No fuck that, Nick thought. She needed therapy not drugs, and he wasn't a therapist he was damn good at helping people take their first steps to getting help.

"So tell me how you got here 'Mand."

"Tried to top myself." Amanda said quickly, still facing the wall. "You fucking know that, you dick."

"Ever tried to do it before?" Nick asked.

"What the fuck does that matter."

"You know why it matters 'Mand." Nick started… "I reckon your embarrassed Amanda. I know how strong willed you are, how proud you are. But you always wear long sleeves into work, I've never seen you in shorts in the gym, or running, even in the height of summer you're always in tights. Is that why you fucked us up, Mand, cos you were worried about what I would think?"

Amanda turned round and nodded ashamedly at him, trying to back herself further and further away into the corner of the room, eventually sitting down on the floor, holding her knees. Nick moved away from the chair, and approached her, hands up as if approaching a wounded animal.

"Mand… I love you. A few scars isn't going to change that …. I love you ok… ever since I first met you … that first case we worked when you came to New York… You just got this fire 'Mand, its intoxicating…You've helped me through so much… you've made me a better person inside and out."

Amanda started heaving big sobbing cries, right from her core again. All Nick could make out was _no I'm not,_ and _I'm horrible… why don't you hate me._ Nick approached her and gathered her into his arms and onto his lap, allowing her to rest her head on his strong chest, trying to rock her soothingly backwards and forwards. _I could never hate you Amanda, never in a million years. I love you._ Tears were escaping out of Nicks eyes too, running in hot rivers down his face. He'd not admitted how he felt about Amanda to anyone, not even to himself before. He'd not admitted that even if it took some time, whatever he could build with Amanda would be worth so much more, and make him so much happier than his relationship with Maria ever did. Even if it took years, and therapy, him making sure she went to appointments and took her medication, he would be the happiest man alive if he got to spend all that time with Amanda Rollins.

Outside, the psychiatrist was making notes, but Fin, Olivia, Don and Munch all were breathing a sigh of relief. Even without everything going on, having Amanda and Nick finally admit how much they cared for each other was so amazing, and with everything going on, they all felt like it was one step towards helping Amanda heal.

Nick just sat there rocking Amanda, thinking about all the cases they'd worked together. How incredibly strong this woman was. When he eventually returned from his wandering thoughts, he noticed the sobs had ceased, and Amanda was lightly sleeping against his chest. He stood up with her, and placed her back on the bed.

" _Stay with me_?" She murmured, somehow sensing he was going to leave her.

" _I'm not leaving, don't worry_ " he said, pulling up the chair so he had somewhere to sit, and then pulling the discarded blankets up around Amanda. He watched as lines of worry disappeared from her face.


	8. Chapter 8

For 20-30 minutes Amanda slept soundly. Nick just sat there, stroking her hand and then her forehead, muttering softly too her in Spanish, telling stories of far off lands and princes and princesses that his Ma had told him when he was young. The psychiatrist gestured for him to leave, but he wouldn't until Amanda woke up, he promised her. This woman had done so much for him in the short time he had known her. She'd help him see how toxic his relationship with Maria was, how much their anger and venom towards each other was damaging Zara. She'd help him end it in a grown up and adult way, so that Zara and he still had contact (although Maria was talking about running off to LA).

Amanda was slowly coming around. Blearily, she rubbed her eyes, trying to clear the fog and haze of the mixture of chemical and physical exhaustion.

"You're still here…?" She asked.

"As long as you want me, and the staff let me, I'll be here 'Mand… Promise."

Amanda smiled ever so slightly.

"You stayed…" she rephrased herself, "I didn't think you would…"

"Like I said Amanda, I always will as long as you want me and they let me."

Amanda fell silent, as if trying to process what Nick was saying to her.

"You said before…" she began and then stopped herself, struggling to express her feelings, "you said you didn't care that I cut… that you l… that you love me."

"Don't ever doubt it Amanda."

"But Maria… I broke up your marriage…"

"Maria and I should have been divorced long before I met you Amanda, you didn't break up my marriage… You just helped me realise that, and I am much better now because of it…"

Amanda fell silent again. Nick waited for her to talk.

"You're sure we're good?" she asked again.

Nick moved onto Amanda's bed and cuddled her up to him.

"I promise we're good. Now… we got Patton in custody for Taymors rape, but I think you have something to share about him that might help us put him away…"

Amanda shuddered into Nicks chest…

"Can…. Can you record it. I don't want to have to stop while you take notes… are you even allowed to take my statement."

"It's been cleared for me to take it Amanda… "he didn't want to push her, but it was worth a shot, "I can record it on my phone now if you like…" he said, wiping hair away from Amanda's face and a tear from her cheek.

"k" was all Amanda managed to get out of her mouth. Nick dipped into his pocket and got out his phone, hitting record, and sat back down on the chair, pulling it directly in front of her and holding her hand. Outside, everyone heaved a sigh of relief. Cragen sent Munch and Fin back to the station to continue going through the diaries and gathering evidence so they could add additional charges when the initial 24 hours they had arrested Patton for were up, hopefully ensuring he would be remanded in custody as his arraignment. The purpose of Munch and Fin going was two-fold, mostly they were really good working together; had been partners for years. But Cragen knew Amanda had got herself firmly embedded in Fin's heart, much like Olivia had done in his years ago… and he knew how much any harm coming to Olivia had hurt him, and he figured it was the same for Fin. So, Cragen decided, Fin had no need to hear this.

"It started the day after my twelfth birthday…" Amanda begun, "We'd not eaten well for weeks, both Ma and Pa were putting all their wages into the casino to try and earn enough to pay off their debts…" Amanda laughed "and so the sins of the father visist themselves upon the daughter, in more ways than one… Mum collared me after school one day. I thought it was just the usual, I'd pissed her off… she'd taken something dodgy... I'm sure of that. But she said if I loved Kimmie I was going to have to help her out… cos the Social had tried to take her and me from her, and we'd go to different places and I'd never see her again. She said the only way they wouldn't take her from us… from me, was if Kimmie started looking real healthy again…" Amanda inhaled… "Ma said I could work for some friends of hers and help them make some money to buy food. And if I worked for them, they'd write of Ma's debt all the time I worked for them. Of course I agreed… didn't think anything of it…I should have known there was more to it than that, she always hated me… " Amanda inhaled and exhaled, trying to hold back the shame and the tears, and failing miserably at both tasks.

"You couldn't have known there was anything untoward Amanda," Nick reassured her.

"The next day, I went to the casino that she worked at. I was led into a room with a posh camera and stuff… there was music playing in the background… Spice Girls I think… they told me I had to take top off… just stand there in my bra while they took photos… they made me make all these faces, all these poses. It all felt so silly, but I just thought about us being able to get some tea tonight if I just stood there making these silly faces. Ma took us both for fried chicken that night, I've never seen Kimmie so happy…" Amanda smiled at the happy memories.

"It got worse from there though. The next week, I went back… we'd had bits of bobs and food in all week, and that was better than normal… I normally nicked lunch from other kids for me and kim, or the nice dinner lady gave us something… but we'd actually had some stuff in all week… But when I got there… that's… that's the first time I met Patton. Of course I didn't know who he was… but he told me everyone liked my photos and I'd need to do more. I went into the room and there was all these other men in there… and the camera set up like before, but there was a bed there this time…" Amanda couldn't hold back her tears any longer, and became almost incomprehensible to Nick, "they… they made me take all my clothes off… they all just watched… ma just watched too… they made me pose for them… I didn't want to, I promise I didn't want to Nick, you gotta believe me," Amanda was hyperventilating. Nick stood up and sat down next to her, she flinched when he reached out to touch her shoulder to try and calm her down. He started rubbing circles on her back.

"I believe you Amanda," he said, tears running down his face again too… "I believe you…"

"Ma said I had too, or she'd make Kimmie do it instead… I couldn't do that to her, she was only 8… she didn't know we had to keep quiet to the skirt-ladies… the social workers… she'd just tell anyone like she did when she was hungry… and I didn't want to loose her… if I hadn't been so selfish…"

"You were only 12 Amanda, remember that. Its not your fault either…"

"If I'd just not been so selfish about keeping Kim with me, we'd both have been taken somewhere far away and safe, Ma might even have done time for it, but no, I just had to keep quiet and just do whatever they told me so they didn't hurt Kimmie. I was so stupid…"

Amanda had gathered her knees into herself and shuffled her way away from Nick on the bed. She started picking at a scar on her leg.

"Truth is, I was just real scared…"

"I bet you were Amanda," Nick said, trying to get her attention. Trying to steer her back to her statement. "They made you pose for them, you said Amanda. Do you remember who else was there apart from Patton, or what they made you do?"

"What the hell does it matter," Amanda responded through her tears.

"So we can put him away Amanda, you know that… You want to put him away I know you do… it's so clear its why you joined the PD and kept all that evidence for so long…" Almost instantly, Nick realised he put his foot in it.

"What evidence?" Amanda said quickly and angrily, even through her tears and distress she was sharp.

"We got the stuff out your locker and drawer Amanda."

"Then you've got everything you need, so why are you making me relive the worst things in my life." Amanda stood up. "Get out." She said lowly. "Get out before I make you leave."

Nick didn't know what to do.

"Mandy, we thought you were in danger… that's why we did it, so we could try and nail him so he's in jail when you get out."

"Who says I want to get out… who says I want to leave?" Amanda shouted, tears streaming down her face. She was pacing angrily back and forth, back and forth. "Who says I'm not just going to stay here and then kill myself when no one's watching… they're going to stop watching eventually… no one care long enough."

Nick tried to move towards Amanda.

"Don't you fucking come near me," Was the response that he got.

"Manda…" He started.

"Don't fucking 'Manda me Nick. My name is AMANDA." She squared up to him, rage boiling through her. How dare they go in her drawers… It didn't matter to her in that moment, that she had all but told Fin that she was going to get the stuff out her draw the morning before the conference, and show it to them. That she'd just started to disclose to Nick… They didn't have that right, it was her information to disclose, her freedom, her right to keep quiet or press charges, and they had all just stood all over that… all over her… to make a case.

"We wanted to keep you safe Amanda," Nick tried again.

"Don't you get it, I've never been safe, I won't ever be safe… I'll only be safe when I'm dead. No one can lie to me, no one can betray me, no one can abandon me, and no one can hurt me. When I'm dead, it will just be me, and then I'll be safe" She was going red in the face, struggling to breathe. She put her hands on her knees, looking down on the floor, trying to stop the room from spinning.

Nick tried to approach her again, putting his hand on her shoulder.

"Don't touch me," was all the response he got. Nick chose to ignore her, he wanted to try and give her some care, try and break that cycle Amanda was stuck in, in which she believed she could control other people coming and going from her life by violently pushing everyone away. He took a step closer and rubbed her shoulder again.

"I said don't fucking touch me," she looked up at him. "Touch me again, and I'll punch your fucking lights out."

Nick grabbed her into a hug. Amanda struggled, trying to punch him, kick him.

"We _will_ keep you safe Amanda, even if you hate us for how we go about it. We will keep you safe."

"Fucking get off me you prick" was all he heard.

Amanda's vision was blurring, Nick was becoming Patton, Patton becoming Nick. It was all so confusing, so stressful. Her heart was running a mile a minute. She started to struggle even more, it was then he noticed the change in her voice, the aggression being mixed in with something else.

"Fucking get off me Patton."

Nick let go in shock.

Amanda was still struggling, fighting with an invisible Patton in front of her. Her face was white with fear.

"Amanda, Mandy… Its just me." He tried softly, so upset he had triggered flashback. Amanda was still fighting an invisible Patton, taking step back after step back, now cornered in the room. "It's not real Amanda. It's just me and you in here."

A wavy Nick appeared in her vision. Blurry.

"Get him off me Nick," she sobbed out, "Save me… please," But Nick didn't move Patton. Of course, later she would realise he couldn't have done, because Patton was in her head and Nick was in front of her, in the here and now.

"He's not here Amanda, its just me and you. Look at me, it's just me and you."

"Nick he's here… he's hurting me. Get him off me," she stuttered out, still fighting the invisible demon. "Get OFF me."

Some nurses were running in the room, getting ready to restrain her. Three of them, again. Nick didn't want to see that, he was still hoping he could get her out of whatever nightmare she was lost in inside her head.

She quite unexpectedly ran to the table and chair. One of the nurses moved over to try and stop her, but slipped on the drink Amanda had spilled when she threw the shaker bottle of Protein shake around an hour ago when Nick had first come in the room.

"Nick, Nick… they going to drug me so he can hurt me again, just like before when I was in Atlanta…. Don't let them sedate me Nick… please."

"Let me try and help her first," Nick tried to plead to the nurses. "Please let me try and calm her down,"

"She needs sedating Sir," one responded, "we are really sorry. We can get security?" said one of the nurses who was helping her now injured colleague out of the room.

"No, we don't need that." Nick responded, just as Amanda threw the chair that he had left next to the table, in the direction of one of the nurses.

"Get AWAY from me, don't hurt me," she screamed, clearly still fighting invisible Patton from her nightmares. However, the chair had unfortunately made contact with the third nurse.

She stepped to the door and pressed the red 'panic' button. Outside, Olivia and Cragen tried to plead with the psychiatrist not to sedate her, but he was adamant. Two big security men came in and pinned Amanda face down on the floor. Her terror made her entirely incomprehensible, but she kicked and bit them as they took her down, in her mind they were pinning her down so that Patton could rape her, again. She wriggled as much as she could once she had been taken to the floor. Nick was being held back by one of the security men, and outside, Olivia and Cragen were watching in dismay. Nick just wanted to rip them off of her, could no body see how traumatising this was? Eventually, a nurse prepared the syringe and sedated her. The security staff all left, having not really even said anything.

The nurses lifted Amanda back onto her bed, and started tidying up from the outburst around Nick. They started to take all the non-essential items out of the room, and hooked her back up to a drip.

"You need to make sure you get help too hon, after this." The nice nurse said. She was a larger lady, with a smiling face, of Caribbean origin, Nick guessed. Her hair was in tight, grey curls on her head. "I know you're no stranger to rough stories… but this is amongst the roughest, poor girl," she brushed Amanda's hair away from her face. "You get help so you can give this lass help."

"I will Ma'am."

The nurse was busying herself with cleaning again, having taken that second to brush Amanda's hair, she was almost embarrassed at herself for letting a patient get to her after all these years.

"Not Ma'am hon, that makes me feel old. Rosemary's the name hon, Rosemary Watkins, I guess we'll get to know each other well while this little one stays with us."

"I'm sure we will Nurse Watkins," Nick nodded and left. He was totally drained by what he had just seen, witnessed, and experienced… whatever you want to call it. Nick was shaking when he sat down.

"I didn't mean to trigger…"

"We know Nick," Olivia said lowly, "We know, don't worry." Nick sat down, Olivia and Cragen were still stood up.

"I just thought… I just thought if she realised we weren't going anywhere… we weren't leaving even if she screamed at us to go we weren't leaving,"

"We know Nick… you did well. You did well." Olivia said, sitting down next to her Partner.

"Why did you… why did you restrain her? Can't you see how traumatising it is to her?"

"I know Nick," said the psychiatrist, "but I can't let you or my staff get hurt."

"What about Amanda, don't you care how hurt she is by it? I couldn't have talked her down, I could off…" Nick again had tears running down his face… he thought he had cried all the tears he could cry today, but obviously there was still more to come. The deep despair at the situation they were all in would not shift, "I don't care if she hits me… if she hurts me, I don't care… I know she doesn't mean it… I don't want to see her restrained again."

The psychiatrist stood up and sat down on his desk, looking directly at Nick.

"But she will care, Nick, and with every bit of guilt she feels for hurting you, she will go deeper and deeper into this hole she is in. Unfortunately at the moment, we just need to stabilise her by whatever means we can when she triggers. It really is the only way we can ensure her safety while she is disassociating or flashbacking." Nick nodded, numbly.

"You started to get a good statement Nick," his Captain praised him.

"It's… it's just it's so different when it's someone you know… someone you care about."

"Someone you love?" The Captain asked him. Nick nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He tried to rub away the rivers of tears going down his face, but he was unable to. He didn't want to see his Captain, a man he respected so very much, while he was in this state.

Don then again, not for the first time in Nick's career, showed what a great man he was, by just sitting down next to Nick and pulling him towards him in comforting hug. Nick was embarrassed, but couldn't do anything about it.

"So I think we need to go over what we just discovered, and apparently anything you know that is relevant to why she is in here… then you said you had a rapist to charge?" The psychiatrist said.

Don let Nick go, and they all sat down in the meeting room next to the corridor they had been sat in. The psychiatrist began the recording.

"Update meeting with myself, Psychiatrist Thomas Doyle, Don Cragen, Olivia Benson and Nick Amaro, following the Patient Amanda Rollins meeting with Olivia Benson and Nick Amaro, disclosing some information regarding historic childhood sexual abuse. Meeting ended with and incident where the Patient Amanda Rollins disassociated, and had a hallucination which appears to be of a man called 'Patton'. This incident was violent, and required therapeutic intervention in the form of prone restraint and sedation. Patient Amanda Rollins in not present as she is being held on Section 4; and is not in a fit state to attend the meeting. The purpose of this meeting is to information share about the chronology of Amanda Rollins and to label the area of diagnosis that we will be pursuing." The doctor paused.

"So, let's begin with sharing what we know about Amanda Rollins, could you tell me everything you know about her early life."

The Captain begun.

"We know Amanda had a tough start, from very early on. Her parents were gambling addicts, and possibly misused other substances as well. There were DV calls both ways on their parents, and obviously we've all just heard what we've just heard. It appears the home in Amanda's early life was at its minimum very neglectful and emotionally abusive. As Amanda's just said, we now know her mum essentially sold her to a pornography ring when she was 12 years old, a ring which appears to have been run, amongst other criminal enterprises, by the now Deputy Chief Patton. Beyond that, Amanda's convinced that he killed her dad. Social Services had an interest in the household, but we're not sure to what extent as the records can only be accessed by Amanda or Kim. Kim was arrested for Juvenile Delinquency when she was 13 and Amanda was 17, and Amanda was arrested for breach of the peace about a week later, after she run out her mum's boyfriend with a sawn off shot gun. After that, there is virtually no paper trail on Amanda… she read Forensic Psychology and joined Atlanta PD. She took an UC operation as a fairly new uniformed officer with no prior experience in Narcotics, Vice or UC and managed to almost singlehandedly take down a CSE ring. We think it might be the same ring that she was exploited by as a child… We're pretty sure Patton has raped Amanda relatively recently, and somehow has managed to stay out of the case… Whether Amanda didn't disclose everything or it was kept hush, we don't know and are trying to find out… That's about it really,"

"Well no," Olivia carried on, "Its not though is it…recently her sister rocked up in town and ended up almost getting her imprisoned for murder… and then when Amanda eventually got released, Kim skipped town with a warrant out for her arrest, and managed to steal all of Amanda's belongings."

They were interrupted by a buzzing. Amanda's phone was in a plastic bag on a shelf labelled new entrant belongings in the meeting room they were in. New text messages had arrived, 8 of them, Amanda must have suddenly just got signal.

" _Bad mouthing the boss again, slut? Don't you know to keep your mouth shut? We can teach you again if you like. How you going to blab with your jaw_ _ **wired shut**_ _"_

" _I can't believe you'd try and get Patton again. You're unbelievable Rollins, you know that don't you. Get over yourself. Just because he didn't want to shag you, you're out to ruin his career. He's 10 times the officer you are. You're a disgrace to all female officers on the job."_

" _Wow, how'd you get Taymour to go along with your little fantasy? How much did you pay her. You're_ _ **sick**_ _Rollins, and we'll sort you out unless you go and be a good girl and get Taymour to withdraw her statement. We'll sort you out_ _ **good and proper.**_ "

They were just the first three, Cragen didn't want to read any more.

"We need to get this to TARU, quickly. I'm adding witness intimidation to the charges if it kills me." Said Cragen, showing Olivia the phone.

"Can we finish up here ASAP?" Olivia asked, reading the messages in shock.

"Yes… yes… Well, I think this afternoon has established that the 72 hour observation will not be sufficient to provide Amanda with an adequate assessment of her mental health needs. We will be moving to hold her under section 2 for 28 days, in order to perform a full trauma matrix. I am definitely able to make a diagnosis from PTSD from what you have told me and the behaviours I have witnessed. Other issues may take longer to diagnose, but we are going to do the full trauma matrix, and given her fast switch between anger and despair, disassociation, an obvious fear of abandonment, and her self-harm I am fairly confident we will diagnose BPD."

"What use are all these labels though…" Nick asked. "How the hell does a label help her? It just tells her she's sick or weird or whatever,"

"It will help her get the right help, and one of the few benefits of being held on section 2, means that we are obliged to provide section 114 aftercare when she is released, which means she can continue to access the therapy she needs to move on."

Nick did not looked convinced. All he could see were the more labels, the less chance he had of ever riding to a crime scene knowing she and Fin were in the car following. There was less chance of her amazing insight into perpetrator psychology solving yet another crime. Less chance of ever getting Amanda back from this hole. Amanda was a police officer, it was in her very being. If she couldn't do that, Nick didn't know what she would do, or how she would cope. She'd wanted it for so very long…

"Come on Nick, let's get this phone to Taru." Olivia prompted

"That is the end of the meeting, for the tape." The psychiatrist said, and then pushed the button on the tape recorder.

"Can I stay?" Nick asked his Captain, looking for all the world like a lost child.

"No Nick," the psychiatrist interrupted. "Visiting hours are over, I will contact you when you can visit her again, but she needs peace and quiet, and she also needs you to investigate the people who are hurting her."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Cragen and Nick dropped Olivia off at the Taru building with Amanda's phone, so that she could try and get a trace on the numbers of the people that had threatened Amanda. Cragen and Nick continued back to the 1-6 to find a very unfriendly face there. _Tucker._ Nick thought a dark sarcastic voice running through my head, _excellent, just who I wanted to see now._

"Tucker, excellent, to what do we owe the pleasure?" Cragen asked.

Tucker looked stressed, Nick thought. There are small mercies.

"You appear to be holding a police officer in custody," Tucker began, "Protocol dictates that…"

"I seek authorisation to arrest him from IAB or a more superior officer, which in this case, the chief of detectives has provided authorisation." Cragen interrupted. "Is there anything else I can help you with?" He asked in an unusually smug voice. "No, well you are dismissed then _Leiutanant._ "

Tucker spluttered, and went red faced. It wasn't often someone called the IAB officer out on rank.

"This isn't the last you hear from me on this matter,"

"No, I suspect so, but never mind, I am busy now so if there is nothing else?"

Tucker left. And Nick burst out laughing.

" _That was just what I needed to see,"_ Nick managed to spluttered out. Cragen smiled accommodatingly.

"I'll probably get in trouble, unprofessional conduct or something, but never mind, it was worth it."

They moved to the interview room where Munch and Fin were going through Amanda's files.

"Captain, Nick, good to see you." Munch said, when he noticed they had walk in.

"How's our girl?" Fin asked, clearly fretting.

"Not so great, but how are you guys doing?"

"What do you mean, not so great?" Fin asked.

"I… I started to get a statement, but I accidently let slip that we'd got this stuff out her drawers and she flipped… and ended up having some sort of flashback. It was …" Nick trailed off.

"It was aweful. But we will make Amanda better but putting this man away, so what have we got."

Fin sighed.

"Well we're good to tie up and charge on Taymours rape. Just need to get Barba to sign off on it and we'll take him to central booking. We've got the rape kit, disclosure to the EMT, disclosure to Olivia which was consistent with the disclosure to the EMT, security footage of Patton transporting a clearly paralytic Taymour back to her bedroom. I better not be the one taking him to central booking though, I really don't trust myself."

"What about in terms of Amanda's case."

Munch sighed.

"Well so far, I don't really know how to piece together what crimes have been committed. There is _so_ much information here, about _so many_ people. It's a bit of a mess, but she's been gathering evidence either unwittingly via her diary, or in a more ordered sense since she was about 16. We need time, and we probably need Barba to work out what to charge him with."

"Ok, so we take him to central booking on Taymours rape, go back and charge him regarding crimes relating to Amanda?" Cragen proposed.

"Sounds good." Nick said. "I'll go take him now. I know we should get someone else to do it, but I want to know he's got there. That he's locked up."

"Take a Uni with you from a different Unit," Munch suggested. "No way that he can claim any impropriety then."

Nick nodded and left.

"How are you doing Fin?" Cragen asked, knowing that Fin was fairly comfortable infront of Munch.

Fin heaved. "I just feel like it's all my fault… not the historic stuff, I know I couldn't control any of that. But the other stuff, her being threatened, her self-harm… I know she hid it well, but I've been on the job how long now? I should have known."

"How though?" Munch asked. "She's classic for that victim personality, hide it, fear of being outed… and with all these photos of her floating around the internet, who can blame her?"

"Photos?" Cragen asked.

"Remember _Lacey?_ " Munch asked. Cragen nodded,

"Yeah, it's worse than that." Munch said.

Cragen exhaled, trying to control his emotions.

"Munch is right Fin, none of us knew. We guessed she'd had it rough growing up, something dodgy happened in Atlanta, but this is beyond the norm of what we would expect, by a long way. She's got trust issues for sure, and more than that to deal with. We just gotta do our jobs, put this guy away and be there when she gets out of hospital." Cragen said, trying to psyche himself up to deal with the information in front of him, let alone help his collegues and friends up.

"Well, we've got to have a hundred years policing between us," Munch said ryely. "Lets put that to good use."

Suddenly all three of the officers in that room were feeling their age. Once Nick and Olivia were back from their various tasks, they all worked well into the night, leaving the 1-6 at 11pm. Fin drove home and went straight to the hospital, leaving a bag of Amanda's clothing, some colouring books and an MP3 player with the nurse, along with the strict instruction that the one food Amanda can't say no to is Peanut Butter and Jelly on white toast or bagel, and really milky coffee.

It would be the next morning before Amanda woke up at the hospital. Sun blared through the small gap in her curtains, and she was on her side facing it. But all the sun in the world couldn't help shake that fuzzy, confused and oh so tired feeling she woke up with.

 _I was born, by the river, In a little tent._

She heard someone singing down the corridor.

 _And oh, just like that river, I've been running ever since._

Maybe it wasn't in her corridor, she mused. It sounded closer.

 _It's been a long time coming, Lord, but I know…. Change is going to come._

 _ **Clatter.**_

Amanda sat up, abruptly.

"I'm so sorry dear, now I've gone and woken you up."

"It's alright…" Amanda responded, rubbing her eyes, trying to clear the fuzz. "What time is it?"

"It's after half 9 honey, you've missed breakfast, can I get you anything." The Lady fussed.

"I… I've got a splitting headache. Can I get a coffee, it's probably caffine withdrawal…" she asked, shyly.

"Yes honey, coffee's fine, but you need to eat something. You need to get some meat on your bones you know."

"I… I don't know…"

"Well that nice man who came with those Officers said you liked Peanut butter and Jelly best right honey. So let's start with that."

"I… Fin told you that?"

"Well I don't know his name honey, but the older man, pony-tail."

"Yes, that's him… he's my partner."

"Partner," the lady laughed a hearty laugh. "I think your confused honey, young Spanish chaps your partner."

Amanda giggled a bit.

"No, Fin's my Police Partner. Means we work together on all our cases." Her face dropped. "Or at least we did work together… I don't know what will happen now."

"You'll get better honey, that's is what gunna happen." The nurse smiled. "What about that Spanish chap then? He seems lovely."

"I… I dunno what me and Nick are… Maybe one day he'll be my boyfriend."

"I bet he will honey, he's head of heels for you honey." The nurse smiled and laughed, "and he's gorgeous too."

Amanda smiled back.

"Now honey, let me get you some breakfast and your tablets, and then you can tell me all about you."

The nurse bustled out of her room, and Amanda looked around. She was still feeling a bit spaced, but able to take in more of her surroundings. She looked at her arms, and saw the wound dressings had been taken off, and she had some new scars marring her arms. Her heart sank a little bit, she'd always made an effort to avoid cutting her arms, and now she'd completely made all of that effort seem pointless. The room was nice though, bright, airy. She was a few levels up in the hospital. She stumbled over to the window and saw the hubbub of the city below her. It was stifling in the room, boiling, stuffy, she tried to open the window, and much to her chagrin it was locked shut. _Not surprising Amanda,_ she berated herself, _you are in the fucking psycho ward._

The nurse came back with some coffee and toast.

"Why don't you sit down then honey," she said, putting the tray on Amanda's bed.

Amanda did as she was told, almost on autopilot.

"Now that nice man, _Fin did you say he was called?_ He brought you some clothes and stuff, if you wanted to get a shower after breakfast" the nurse carried on talking. It was nice, the chatter filling the silence. Amanda nodded through a mouthful of food, and then swallowed it.

"When… when can I see him again?" she asked. "I need to see Fin." Amanda felt like crying. She missed Fin so much, the feeling of safety and home that she had at his house.

"Now we have to ask the psychiatrist that honey, but hopefully later today."

Amanda pushed her food away. She suddenly felt like she was trying to swallow lead.

"Can I see the psychiatrist now… I wanna see Fin. I'll do whatever you want me to do, I just wanna see him. _Please._ I wanna see all of them. You'd like Olivia, she's the bravest lady I ever met. And munch is just hilarious, I don't think he even knows how funny he is… and the Captain, he's got this goodness as a person…"

"Honey, you're rambling. You _will_ get to see the Psychiatrist, but after you've eaten."

There was a knock on the door, and a young man walked in.

"Hi Amanda, I'm James Saddler, the Psychiatrist here."

Amanda acknowledged him with a nod.

"I know you're just having breakfast, but I wondered if you feel up to answering some questions for me."

Amanda's heart was pounding.

"Can… can you stay?" She asked the nurse. She didn't want to be alone in the room with this strange man. The smiling lady would make sure nothing improper happened. She didn't trust the man… men.

"Of course honey," she said, as soon as the psychiatrist had nodded at her that it was ok. Amanda, picked up her mug of coffee, and sipped some.

"So Amanda, I'm going to ask you some questions. I want you to answer on a scale of 1-5 how true the statement is for you, 1 being not true and 5 being very true. Some of the questions might make sense to you, some might not. It's because they're designed to help us understand a range of different people, so some of the questions might not be relevant to you. That make sense?"

Amanda nodded nervously.

"So the first statement is: "I like to listen to my music with the volume turned up as loud as possible."

Amanda laughed in relief. _I got this, she thought, if this is what the questions will be like._

"5" she said.

"Life can be pretty boring."

"Unfortunately, that's a 1."

"When I was a kid, I got suspended from school a lot."

Amanda's face fell. She'd done things at school that she wasn't proud of, start fights, run off, throw stuff at teachers who asked questions too probing. She'd tried to hide everything with good grades, but sometimes when things had got really bad at home, the anger and shame had just overtaken her like a wave of despair and she'd lashed out.

"Amanda, remember no one is judging anything here."

"5," Amanda mumbled through her hair.

"I usually eat breakfast."

 _Phew,_ thought Amanda. Skipping breakfast was ok, lots of people did that. _It's not that weird, she thought._

"1."

"I do not stay late at functions when I have to be up the next day."

"1" Amanda said.

"I use of have used street drugs."

Amanda paused again. Should she admit to using drugs? Most of the time, it had been when she was forced. But sometimes, she had just wanted to forget everything and hide. Sometimes, she had wanted it. But she was a Police Officer now.

"Amanda, patient-doctor privilege covers this conversation, this is about helping you. I only have to disclose information which leads me to believe you may cause harm to someone else, or significantly harm yourself if I am not able to keep you safe."

"5," whispered Amanda, tears of shame rolling down her face.


	10. Chapter 10

So it went on, and on, and on. All morning it seemed like they were sat there, but in fact it was only 11:30. 2 hours, 2 hours of pure hell. 2 hours of question after question. Incessant, constant probing questions. Questions Amanda never liked being asked, questions Amanda never wanted answered.

" _So Amanda, in the last month, again on that scale of 1-5, how much have you been bothered by repeated disturbing memories, thoughts or images of the stressful experience."_

Tears were running down Amanda's face, her eyes screwed tightly shut.

" _Five."_

" _Do you need a break Amanda, honey? It's ok if you do honey," the nurse said, rubbing her shoulder. Amanda shrugged her off._

" _I… I get to see Fin, and Nick and everyone if I do this right. I just want to do that. Please… you will let me see them won't you. I can't do this without them."_

" _What can't you do Amanda?" The psychiatrist asked. Amanda didn't like him much, he just kept asking questions. Too quiet, too nice. Amanda was concerned, was IAB employing him, or worse, Patton? She just needed to get out._

" _Amanda? What can't you do?"_

" _Answer you're questions, alright. Answer your goddam questions. I just wanna see my friends, you don't get that do you. I can't survive without them, they're so goddam brave, and powerful."_

" _And you feel safe with them?"_

" _WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT SAFETY?" Amanda yelled. Her hand went to the now empty coffee mug on the table to throw it, but the nurse had moved it away. Amanda went to slap her, but the nurse lady managed to grab her hand._

" _Breathe honey," she said. "Breathe."_

 _Sobs wracked Amanda's body again, and she curled in on herself, on her side, hiding her face under the hospital blanket._

 _The psychiatrist moved over to Amanda, kneeling down and pulling the blanket a small way down from her face.._

" _Amanda, we'll leave it there for today, ok? It's a lot to talk about, its rough, ok, I get that"_

" _How can you get it? You don't know whats happened to me? How can you understand?"_

" _I can't begin to understand what you've been through Amanda, but I'm certainly able to help you make sense of all the feelings in your body. I guess they're pretty tough to live with right?"_

 _Amanda nodded almost imperceptibly._

" _I… I wanna be better… but… I don't know how to trust anyone anymore."_

" _It'll be a process Amanda, but hopefully we will all prove to you that you can trust people, and what you're feeling, they're normal feelings. Anyway Amanda, I'll leave you to relax a bit."_

" _Can… can she stay?" Amanda said, nodding at the nurse._

" _Of course I can honey." The nurse pulled her chair closer to Amanda as the psychiatrist left._

" _Can… can you sing that song again. The song about the river?" Amanda asked, still curled on her side, hugging her knees._

 _The nurses' melodious gospel voice filled the air lulling Amanda out of her anxiety driven state of upset._

" _It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die, cause I don't know what's up there, beyond the sky,_

 _Its been a long time coming lord, but I know… change is going to come, oh yes it will."_

 _Soon Amanda had stopped crying and was just curled up under the blanket._

" _You sing beautifully," she said quietly, her voice cracking._

" _Oh honey, change is going to come for you I can feel it. You're going to have a beautiful house, with a beautiful garden, and that nice man of yours Nicholas… change is going to come for you sweetheart."_

" _Nice things don't happen to girls like me Ma'am." Amanda said quietly. "They just don't, I gave up."_

" _That's when the things you least expect will happen sweetheart,"_

" _I hope so Ma'am,"_

" _Rosemary, honey, my name is Rosemary."_

" _Sorry," Amanda apologised, becoming more and more bleary. "Can I… can I sleep now? It was so tiring, them questions and that upset... Can I sleep?"_

" _Of course honey."_

" _Can I see Nick and Fin and that when I wake up? Please. They're like my blood family, only better, cos they ain't ever done no harm to me. It scares me how much they care, why they care, but they do."_

" _I'll ask honey," the nurse said, stroking her hair away from her face. "You go to sleep now sweetheart."_

" _Can you stay?" Amanda asked. "I'm scared if bad men come while I'm sleeping…" Amanda was becoming more and more nonsensical, regressing almost. "Bad men come, touch me on my inside parts."_

" _Ain't no one going to hurt you here honey, but I'll stay just in case."_

 _The nurse continued to brush Amanda's hair out of her face and stroke her forehead, watching the young lady fall asleep._

Outside, the Saddler, the psychiatrist had been scoring Amanda's inventory, trying to make heads and tails of the screening tools which had been completed so far. Unsurprisingly, the PCL-5, the only screening test he had managed to complete with Amanda, showed severe symptoms of PTSD, and so far the other screening tests were showing traits of borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder and depression, but as many of the tests were uncompleted due to Amanda's anxiety with professionals, and talking in general. He ran his hand through his hair. This was tough. He didn't actually think he'd get anywhere until Amanda disclosed to anyone, and he was certainly no closer to ensuring her safety in the community than they had been 48 hours ago.

He thought back to their conversation.

" _In the last six months Amanda, have you ever had thoughts that you would be better off dead, or hurting yourself in some way?"_

 _Amanda nodded, again the shame rolling off her in waves._

" _How often would you have those thoughts?"_

" _All the time." Amanda whispered._

" _Would you say, 'more than half the days', or 'nearly every day' for example."_

" _Every day." Amanda responded._

" _Have you made plans to end your life Amanda?"_

" _Obviously." Amanda responded._

" _What did you plan to do?"_

 _Amanda laughed._

" _What's funny Amanda?" Saddler asked, confused._

" _There's this British playwright, she's dead now. But she wrote these amazing plays about mental health hospitals in the UK. I never realised how truthful it was until now. The doctor asks how she plans to kill herself, and she responds 'take an overdose, slash my wrists and hang myself', the doctor asks why, and she says 'because it couldn't possibly be misconstrued as a cry for help.'" Amanda laughed to herself._

" _Is that what you plan to do Amanda?"_

" _Why not, seems like it would be a pretty permanent end to things, doesn't it. No going back from that, is there?"_

In fact, Saddler had not been more concerned or more worried about a patient in his life. It's why he'd let the Nurse stay with her. At least Watkins could keep constant observations on Amanda, make sure she didn't try and ligature or harm herself in any way.

There were layers and layers to this young lady, layers that should have been peeled back years ago in some crisis unit somewhere, some children's home somewhere, somewhere safe. She should have got therapy a very long time ago, but obviously this was the first time she had been safe for that to happen.

And now he had the case of his life to stop this woman from killing herself.

And he needed support. He put in a call to the Captain of the 1-6, Donald Cragen, who had left his contact details.

"Hi, is that Captain Cragen? Its James Saddler, the Psychiatrist at Belle Vue. I need your help, or someone from your departments help. Someone Amanda trusts, but not Nick or Fin? The boyfriend and the work-partner… that's too close. Can you send someone over? I'm not sure when Amanda is going to wake up."

"You're babbling Sadler," Cragen responded. "I'll send Olivia up in an hour or so, that ok?"

"Is that the same lady that was here yesterday?" The psychiatrist asked.

"Yes, she's just on her lunch now, she'll be back at 1ish, I'll send her straight over, so she'll be there for half 1?"

"That's perfect."

"Do I need to brief her with any information?"

"No, I'll do it upon her arrival."

"Got it." Cragen responded and hung up.

Saddler breathed a sigh of relief. Reinforcements were on their way. Maybe there was hope. Everyone in Amanda's life was fighting for her. Now, they just had to convince her to fight for herself.


	11. Chapter 11

By the time Olivia arrived at the hospital it was just gone half one, as Cragen had predicted. The bright sunshine was giving way to some dramatic storm in the distance- black clouds rolling towards the city. Olivia had left the boys doing some prep for the grand jury case against Patton, and they'd made a good start on collating some of the information Amanda had left in her lockers. They'd got a basic early timeline in place, from age 13-16; that was the difficult work. The confused, terrified ramblings of a teenager were not the easiest things to piece together. Olivia had left in enough time to come to the hospital via some shops, bringing Amanda some goodies. Some nice smelling shampoo and conditioner, some Pyjama's (and it had been a mission to find some that were small enough for the now tiny girl, and didn't have tied waist loops), and some films & ben and Jerrys, encase they got a chance to chill out.

Olivia took the stairs two at a time, and eventually reached the EOU. She waved her ID and was let into Saddlers office.

"Sorry I'm late. How's our girl?" Olivia said, sitting down.

"She's better now, but she's not great. She's been doing some music therapy work that I have set her with Nurse Watkins since she woke up from her nap. But I tried to do some screening tests this morning."

"What did you find out?" Olivia asked, intrigued. "Anything you can disclose?"

"Not really, to both of those. Not much we didn't already know… she is suicidal, displaying major risk-taking behaviour… she's scoring highly so far for PTSD, and on what I have managed to score on the screening tests, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder and reactive attachment disorder could all be conditions Amanda is effected by, or showing so far sub-clinical levels of paranoia and obsessive compulsive disorder. She's…"

"Complex?" Olivia said smiling slightly.

"Yes, complex is a good word," agreed the psychiatrist. "I think the medication has stabilised her somewhat. She was deeply upset during my meeting with her this morning, but didn't trigger and didn't make much of a concerted effort to lash out. Words and half-assed attempts with fists as opposed to the real flight-fight response we saw yesterday and when she was first admitted."

"Well that's progress," said Olivia. "So how can I help? I brought supplies."

"I'm thinking just a friendly face, the knowledge that her colleagues are still there for her will be important. I'm not sure how much she remembers from yesterday being honest. If she will talk to you great, but if not, don't worry. I've got a funny feeling you'll get further than that Nick chap anyway. It's … loaded, disclosing events of that nature to a potential or actual boyfriend isn't it?" The psychiatrist asked.

"Very." Olivia nodded. "There's feelings of shame, guilt, trust issues there."

"For sure, I forget how long you have done this. But equally, I don't think we will get much more from her until she at least tells us what it is about Patton that makes her so scared. He's definitely threatening her, I mean she only thinks she'll escape him when she is dead, and she keeps saying _that's when everyone around me will be safe,_ so I wondered if he's threatened someone close to her."

Olivia nodded. "Well if I can see her, I'll see what I can do."

Saddler got up from his chair and Olivia followed. She heard a light voice filtering down the hall.

" _You'll remember me, when the west wind blew,"_

It was beautiful, and so obviously Amanda. The slight Atlanta twang to the voice, the light air in the tone.

Olivia knocked on the door and entered.

"Hey 'manda," Olivia smiled.

Amanda's face dropped when she turned around.

"What are you doing here?" She said sharply. "I thought… hang on," she inhaled. "Sorry, that came out wrong, but I was hoping Nick or Fin would come. But I'm not sorry you're here Olivia, sorry."

"That's alright Amanda, don't stress. Fin and Nick would both be here if they could be, but they're pretty busy at the moment. But I've come buy with goodies and ice cream."

"I'll leave you two together honey, I'll come back in a bit with some bowls if this lovely lady brought ice cream?" The kind nurse said.

"Thanks," Amanda said, and then on impulse, hugged her.

The nurse left the room.

Olivia gave Amanda the Pyjama's, a nice brushed cotton set, pink and purple check all over them.

"Thanks 'liv, how much do I owe you?"

"Nothing 'Manda, they're a present."

Amanda rubbed the warm material to her face, taking comfort in it, breathing in the smell.

"They're lovely… thankyou Olivia," Amanda said, obviously grateful.

It broke Olivia's heart a little bit.

"Can I go put them on?" Amanda asked.

"Of course Amanda, they're yours."

Amanda disappeared to the bathroom and came out a couple of minutes later looking many years younger than her 24 years of age.

"So I brought some other goodies as well, some colouring books and a pack of cards for you. Some books- maybe its time you caught up on that reading huh?"

"Yeah, that'd be good." Amanda said absent-mindedly, sitting down and pulling the blanket around her.

"Can I ask you something 'Liv?" Amanda said, when she had curled herself in her little cocoon.

"Of Course you can."

"When… when we first worked together. There was that lady who was kept in here all that time. You know, the one whose Uncle turned out to be raping her. And she tried to commit suicide to escape it… you said you'd been assaulted."

Olivia nodded.

"I guess what I wanted to ask… is how you got through it?"

Olivia thought for a second.

"Do you want me to tell you what happened?"

"If you don't mind?" Amanda said, "I don't want to pry."

Olivia inhaled and exhaled heavily.

"I was working undercover at a womans prison…. As a prisoner. We had reports a corrections officer was raping inmates. Fin was inside with me as an Officer. The prison went into lockdown, and to cut a long story short I was dragged into the lair of the rapist. Not the person I had pegged for it either, embarrassingly. I wasn't raped vaginally, but it came close… closest I've ever come… and I know how tough it was for me to get through, so I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Fin saved me just in time"

"He's got a habit of doing that." Amanda said, "Thanks for telling me."

"That's alright Amanda honestly."

"So how did you get through it?"

"I got a lot of therapy, that's really all there is to it. But talking about it really helped."

Amanda stopped.

"That's what I was afraid off." Amanda laughed.

"Talking?"

"Yeah."

Amanda looked down.

"I suppose it would be easier if I told you why I didn't tell before, wouldn't it?"

"Perhaps." Olivia responded, non-committal.

"Well, I got stuff on Patton, that's for sure. But he's got stuff on me. When I was 17, I was supposed to be… auctioned off, to some pimp. It was going to take place at the strip club he had forced me to work at since… well since forever. Kim got wind of it… that was the first time I realised how much she knew. I begged her not to do anything stupid, risky. But… but she didn't listen, she never listened. Before I knew what happened, the club was on fire, it took 8 fire engines to put it out. Kim was careful though… for a girl who never planned anything in her life, she planned it pretty well. No CCTV… no DNA. They proved it was arson, but nothing tied her too it. Unfortunately she went a bit mental after… manic. She went on a bit of a shop-lifting spree- that's how she wound up inside. But Patton found out somehow, I think he might have been the one to arrest her, I don't know. Cos he told me 2 weeks later I had to toe the line or Kim might do hard time, I mean like arson with intent or something. I knew she never intended to kill anyone Olivia."

"Did she actually kill anyone?"

"No, thank god."

"Well, that's governed by the statute Amanda, and you were a minor at the time as well, under no obligation to disclose. Kim can't do time for that now."

"Well yeah, I know. So when the statute on that ran out, Patton… Patton found me again. Well his friends did, I was at college." Amanda stopped again, trying to breathe in and out, trying to make sure the information came out coherently. "My room was broken into every Friday for a month. They left dead animals, threats written in blood and instructions to meet them. I ignored them to start with, tried to secure my building. No matter what I did, they still got in. Eventually I cracked and followed their instructions, I just wanted the fear to stop. I should have told the police really, but I didn't trust any of them… when I first told a Police Officer about Patton when I was 15 they called me a _lying slut, a whore._ "

"Well, it's not surprising you didn't trust them Amanda," Olivia said, reaching forward to rub circles on Amanda's hand.

"Well…" Amanda continued shakily. "I… met Patton. I walked into the room, this warehouse… and these men just grabbed me and held me down… they sedated me, just like they do here… they knew from when I was younger how much I fight… and when I came around, I was in restraints, and Patton was raping me... then… then all his cronies took hold"

Amanda was shaking, scratching her arm hard.

"Olivia," she looked up. "I just… It's… "

Olivia moved over to the bed.

"I'm going to hug you if that's ok Amanda?" Olivia asked.

Amanda nodded. Olivia sat next to her and pulled her into her side. Amanda's shaking subsided.

"Two years later, I joined the PD. Patton didn't find out for ages… not till I blew open the ring he ran… I was … I wasn't driven back to the Police station when the mission was over… his cronies, they drove me back to a warehouse, and Kim was there with a gun to her head. He told me Kim would get it, wherever she was in the world, If I dropped him in it. He showed me all this survilance information he had on Kim, from all different places she'd lived in, he'd obviously been trailing her for years… I just felt to aweful I'd not kept her safe… after all those years trying to keep her out of his clutches, and do you know what she said to me Olivia?"

"No honey, I don't?"

"She said, "Make sure he goes away 'Mandy. Make sure he doesn't get to hurt any more girls like you, I don't care what happens to me…"" Amanda was struggling to talk through her tears. "You gotta make sure she's safe Olivia, please… I know she skipped out but please, try and find her. If you got Patton in custody his people will find her and kill her. I promise you she's not safe, and she's my little sister Olivia, I just wanted to keep her safe."

Amanda looked up at Olivia through her tears.

"Promise me… Promise me you'll keep her safe."


	12. Chapter 12

"Let me phone the Captain honey," Olivia said, rubbing Amanda's shoulder. "We'll get a MISPER report out for her. If she's under the protection of vulnerable adults still from when she was secured we might even be able to get an amber alert out."

"She won't have skipped New York I don't think" Amanda sniffled.

"Why's that honey?" Olivia responded.

"Kimmie always said… she always said one day she would hire someone to investigate Patton for her and make sure he went away. I guess in Kimmies head…" Amanda stopped to breathe. "I guess… If she put him away for me, it would make amends for her nearly putting me away."

Amanda sniffled. "I kind of wanted to stay in prison. I felt… I felt like it would be ok there. I'd have been out of general population. I'd just have had my room, my space. Nothing around to tempt me to hurt myself."

"Well, I'm glad you didn't stay in prison Amanda, I really am. I'd have gone stir-crazy without you girl," Olivia said.

"Gone crazy?" Amanda said, looking at her. "Already happened 'liv." She smiled.

"Pot, copper, kettle black?" Olivia responded, looking down at her with a wry smile.

"Point taken… Can… Can you go phone Cragen? And then… then can we have that ice cream you brought before it's all melted. They got films here too if you like? If you ain't that busy that is."

"Captain gave me the afternoon off Amanda, and trust me at the moment I would like nothing more than to watch films with my best friend… Let me go phone him Amanda, it will put your mind at ease, and then… then we shall chill."

Olivia exited the room to make the phone call.

Inside the room, Amanda was still curled up in the blanket, in her pajamas, trying to shake the unexplainable feelings rolling round in her tummy at the moment. It was so confusing, the relief of telling, even part of what happened, that people knew how close you were to ending everything, but then that you wanted to end everything and didn't want anyone to stop you, but then that you wanted them to stop you, and… that stupid Amanda… worthless Amanda… had no right to be walking on this earth, and anyway, what was it in that play again, _this has to stop, this has to stop, this has to stop, this has to stop._

Olivia came back in.

"It's done Amanda, amber alert out for your sister. We'll sort out the manslaughter thing if we pick her up. But its paramount she's safe… we can make sure we get her a good lawyer if she ends up having to face the charges."

Olivia paused. Amanda was just staring straight ahead, breathing in and out quicker and quicker. Now she was holding her head between her hands, eyes clasped tight shut.

"Amanda." Olivia said concerned, coming towards her.

"Amanda," Olivia tried again. Nothing, absolutely nothing.

"Amanda, open your eyes."

Amanda did, but they were blank, glazed over.

"Amanda, you're in hospital at Belle Vue, it's just me in the room, it's just Olivia here, no one else."

Amanda blinked several times hurriedly, and eventually moved her hands away from her head. Her breathing was slowing down. She looked deep into Olivia's eyes.

"Help me Olivia, please. Help me, I just… I feel like I'm drowning in the sea of despair… Like this wave.. It has to stop Olivia, sometime, doesn't it? Make it stop."

Olivia thought for a split second, and then gathered Amanda into her.

"You're so brave Amanda," she said to her, "So very brave."

The nurse came back in with the bowls and spoons, and Olivia fished out the ice cream.

"Can we watch frozen?" Amanda asked in a small voice.

"Let me show you the TV room honey," the nurse said "42 inch flat screen TV."

Back at the station it was a hubbub of activity following Olivia's phone call. They'd put out the amber alert, notified all of New York's finest to look out for Amanda. They had extra uniform patrolling the red light district, somewhere where they suspected Kim may have ended up working. They had people looking for her _everywhere._ If, like Amanda thought, she hadn't skipped town, she would turn up sooner rather than later.

In interview room 2, Munch, Fin, Nick and Cragen had gathered to conference with Barba to collate the information and try and work out what to charge Patton with.

"So, what have we got? I suppose we should start with the forensics?"

"Right… working backwards, the text Amanda received, that's been traced to a burner cell which was in Patton's hotel room. That's the ' _you better not have blabbered bitch'_ text _."_ Nick started

"Ok, so that ties him to a crime in this state, what about historically?"

"Amanda had pictures, from what look like a chest cam, of Patton holding a gun to Kim's head… Here it is, it looked quite recent, can't have been more than a year or so ago."

"Ok… so that's what, Intimidation if we can tie it to something firmer?" Barba said, "Come on, give me something good here?"

"Something good?" Nick said, clearly angry with Barba's use of language. "Something good…. Amanda's in hospital"

"And she will feel safe when we convict this man? Right? So give me something I can use!" Barba shot back, getting annoyed.

"Ok… ok…" Munch interrupted. "We're all tense here… it's one of our own. There is a rape kit dated from when Amanda was in university. It's a Jane Doe rape kit, she clearly never disclosed…. And, I'd say it's enough to arrest not just Patton on if Amanda does make the complaint."

"What do you mean, not just Patton?"

"It shows semen from multiple perpetrators. Violent rape, not just vaginal… the Jane Doe had significant amounts of GHB in her system."

"Shit… the Jane Doe is definatley Amanda?"

"Definatley?"

"And the other perpetrators?"

"Two police officers, one of them IAB… another is a known Irish Mafia member, convictions for assault and sexual assault- served two to five for both, and two others are unknown."

Barba exhaled.

"You're sure?"

Munch passed the report over to Barba, he looked down.

"Right… What about the other 2 kits?"

"1 Rape Kit from when Amanda was 17- Jane Doe again, she didn't disclose. Amanda the victim, Patton the perp; fluids and vaginal tearing consistent with forcible sex. The other… is when Amanda was 15, she did disclose actually… but there is with it a collection of the most shoddy police reports I've ever seen. Turns out Patton was riding on Atlanta SVU on his first tour as a detective at the time… and Patton's then girlfriend took the complaint. _Conflict of interest or what?_ "

Barba shook his head. This case became more and more unbelievable the more it unfolded. You would never believe it if it was in a book; it just goes to show the nature of work in SVU, the depths to which people can sink.

"The other stuff, the diaries, the photos."

"Well it will take you time, to look over it… but you've definitely got enough to charge Patton with multiple counts of statutory rape… I mean Amanda's managed to remove many of the photos from the internet, but they're still many appearing day after day being traded on the dark net… various child pornography charges, and more besides…. "

"Right… summarise everything and send it to me. I'm going to find a judge that will extradite those Police Officers here so that we can charge them, clearly Atlanta is to corrupt to charge their own… fucking boys club, then I have Patton's bail hearing and then." Barba paused.

"You'll do some lawyer shit we won't understand?" Munch quipped.

"Something like that." Barba said shortly.

Barba stormed out.

The boys continued to work until 5pm. They packed up, all drained from the emotional nature of investigating the crimes against their friend and colleague.

Fin drove out of the car park, and found himself at the hospital, almost without thinking. He thought about just going home, but decided against it. Even if he wasn't allowed to see Amanda, he could speak to the doctor, get some reassurance that she was ok.

He took the stairs two at a time, and knocked on the locked ward door. The smiling Caribbean nurse let him in.

"You're one of Amanda's friends aren't you Hun?" She said questioningly.

"Yeah, can I see her?"

"It's still visiting hours, shouldn't be a problem, I'll check with James though."

At that moment, by a stroke of serendipity, Saddler exited his office.

"You're here to see Amanda?" Saddler asked. "You caught me just in time, I was just leaving."

"Yeah, she doing ok?"

"She is now, yeah. I'll hang about while you see her, but she'd watching TV with Olivia down the corridor, Nurse Watkins will show you the way."

Fin nodded; as ever a man of few words, and followed the nurse down the corridor. She opened the door to let Fin in, and the sight he saw, warmed his heart a little bit. Amanda had her head on a pillow on Olivia's lap and was covered up in a blanket. Olivia was comforting Amanda by stroking her head. Olivia made eye contact with Fin and put a finger to her lip to signal Fin to be quiet. It wasn't quick enough however, and Amanda stirred a little bit, rubbing her eyes to clear the fog. She then recognised her Partner and jumped up.

"You came?" She said.

"Couldn't keep me away."

Amanda looked down.

"I'm sorry Fin, I didn't wanna hurt myself again, I really didn't…well I did, but I didn't. I never meant to hurt you though… I don't know what happened but I don't remember much…"

Fin closed down the space and gathered Amanda into his arms, exactly how Amanda always dreamed her dad would have done if he'd not been such a fuck up.

"You're alive Barbie, and we got Patton in jail for Taymour's rape, he didn't get bail. We can nearly charge him for all the crimes related to you too… Your favourite ADA has served warrants for the arrest of the other police officers that hurt you, and the one that fucked the investigation up the first time too… we're still looking for Kimmie… but we'll find her Amanda you know we will, and we'll keep you both safe Barbie… no more fighting by yourself now, we got you."

Amanda sobbed her little heart out into Fins chest, relief flooding her… she didn't know what to feel… didn't know what she should feel. She still felt such overwhelming grief and fear, but it was peppered with something else now. Something new. She didn't know what else to do. She pushed Fin away.

And laughed.


	13. Chapter 13

And then she stopped laughing.

She looked down, trying to shrink herself smaller and smaller and smaller.

Olivia looked at Fin, quizzically.

Fin reached out to try and touch Amanda on the shoulder. She just shrugged him off. But she did look up, there were tears in her eyes that would not come out, confusion in her face.

"Fin," she said softly. "Fin I'm really scared."

Fin took a step towards Amanda.

" _Barbie-Girl,_ we got you. You are safe, and when we find Kimmy, she will be safe too."

"But… It's never been this close to being over before. I never thought I'd be free of it. I thought the only way I'd… we'd… me and Kim I mean…" Amanda stuttered. "I thought the only way we'd be free was if I was gone."

Olivia couldn't deal with this, the fact her friend had been in such a hopeless situation that she thought her only escape was death. She reached out and pulled Amanda too her in an almost deathly grip, tears rolling down her face.

Amanda was tense for a second, but then relaxed, leaning into Olivia. Olivia steered them both down to the seat.

"I told Nick he took pictures of me…" Amanda started. "Did you find them? They're on my laptop the ones I've managed to take down from the internet. But more keep coming every day, every time I log-on I keep finding pictures of me. Not just pictures, It didn't stop at Pictures 'liv. He _escalated."_ Words were coming out fast and free now, the tears and shame rolling down her face. "I still see it sometimes, _flashbacks,_ they would say. I go past a club and hear a song, or walk past a strip joint, or see some little kid turning tricks, and I see me. I just want to scream at the 'liv. Scream at them to tell them to man the fuck up and go and run as fast as they can because they'll turn around when their 23 or 24 and be so _so_ fucked up. They will see things that aren't there, but sometimes they won't even know whether what they're seeing is real or not. Sometimes the real things are wavy, sometimes it's the not real things. Sometime they'll remember something and then all they'll remember is nothing, like big blanks. Sometimes they'll wake up and not remember how they got somewhere. Sometimes…" She paused to breathe, but all that came out was a scream, a deep guttural scream right from inside Amanda's soul.

Fin looked on in dismay and confusion, and Olivia continued to rub Amanda's shoulder as Amanda was rocking back and forth, tears rolling down her face, hands covering her ears and her eyes screwed tightly shut.

Suddenly all that came out was a whisper.

"I'm in a club, all I can hear is this beat… beat… beat… It smells of booze. They're making me go on stage and I don't want to. They want to make me do nasty things on stage. I start screaming that I don't want to and Patton's there screaming back at me that If I don't do it they will make Kimmy do it. I did it then for her, but I didn't want to. They make me go on stage and then I'm blindfolded. I can still feel the lights on me. Rip, Rip, Rip. Im cold. Then he… then something gets put in me and they all scream _more more more._ I can hear a voice whisper in my ear, _scream like you want it slut, scream like you want it._ I don't want it, it hurts. It really hurts 'liv."

Amanda brought her hands down from her ears, but she was still rocking back and forth, back and forth, so violently that she would have hit her head against the wall had Olivia's hand not been there to prevent it. She brought her hand up to her mouth and bit down hard, drawing blood.

Olivia moved so she was kneeling in front of Amanda and took hold of her hand. She gently started rubbing circles on it, speaking to her softly.

"Sweetheart open your eyes, you're not there, and he will never hurt you again,"

"Its dark 'liv, It's so dark and he's just putting it in me, again and again and again. It hurts so much 'liv, and I'm so scared."

"Sweetheart it's just me and Fin in the room, no one is ever going to hurt you like that again while we live and breath Amanda. Amanda, I'm going to tap your collar bone now, try and feel that ok honey, that's just me."

Slowly, Amanda's breathing returned to normal and she opened her eyes, and the shock on her face that it was just Olivia and Fin in the room was evident. Olivia and Fin, clear, bright defined. No Patton. He had been here in the hospital when Nick was here she was sure of it.

"'Liv… Fin… Were you here when Nick was speaking to me?" She asked, softly.

"Olivia was, I got sent back to the station," Fin said, sitting down on the sofa next to her and putting his arm around her. Amanda sunk into Fin's arms, and a feeling of safety and calm washed over her almost instantly.

"Did Patton come into the room then?" Amanda asked, turning her head to look at Olivia. "It all got so odd, Nick was just coming or going, and he was all distorted, wavy. Patton wasn't here was he? You had him in jail didn't you."

"You had some flashback 'sweetheart. He wasn't real, that's why Nick couldn't get rid of him for you. That's why they sedated you in the end, to stop you from hurting Nick."

Amanda inhaled and exhaled, shaking.

" _I_ … _I get real scared when I get sedated._ " She whispered, almost inaudibly. " _They used to do that to me sometimes in the club. I think now it's because I was disassociating… knowing what I know, but I'd used to get in this state and just try and fight… sometimes fight nothing of of me, and they had this doctor on their payroll, he used to patch me up before school, but sometimes if he'd… if Patton had sold me, he used to just make me take drugs or get the doctor to sedate me or something, just so I was… I was an easier lay. It just made me so scared. Going through something like that, you can accept it if you know what happened… but when you don't know what happened, when you forget, or you were high, or you got drugged up… that's when Its terrifying… and being sedated here…"_

"I bet it's terrifying 'mandy," Fin said, trying to validate her fears.

" _Do you think… do you think the shrink might be able to help me not need to get sedated."_

"I definatley think that Amanda," Olivia said. "Do you want me to go and get him."

" _Please…"_ She said, almost begging in that one word.

Back at the station, everything was quiet. When Fin had gone home, Cragen had sent Nick and Much home not long after. Cragen had stayed in the office, his office was his safe space, his space where he was reminded of how much his alcoholism had almost cost him, and where he was best able to keep the urges at bay. It was after days he had just had that he wanted to break his sobriety the most. His demons were certainly doing more than jumping jacks in the car park now, they were doing jumping jacks just outside the door.

There was a sharp knock on his office door that made him jump.

"Come in," he said sharply.

"Sir," the young uniformed officer said, "Sir I got this lady who just come in, she's refusing to speak to anyone but SVU. She looks real nervous…scared… like something bad…."

"I got it, don't worry." The officer nodded back at Cragen.

"Thank you Sir."

Cragen almost fell to the floor in shock when he exited the office. He hadn't expected the alert for Kimberly Rollins to lead to her walking herself into a Police station voluntarily, given her mental state and the open arrest warrant out on her. She had sat herself at Amanda's desk, hood up over her blonde hair, covering a now far gaunter face than when she had first arrived back in New York a couple of weeks ago. A black eye stood out against her pale skin, her pupils dilated. Her foot was tapping perhaps nervously, perhaps with withdrawal, he didn't know.

Cragen moved over towards Kim.

"Kimberly?" He said, softly.

She looked up.

"I… I saw on the news you were looking out for me. That I was _material importance to a case._ I'm hoping that means manda finally told y'all about everything." She was shaking. "I'm real sorry I ran off like that, I was just… I thought if I took that stuff and sold it, I could pay some private detective to get enough evidence to… I never wanted Amanda to go to jail for killing Ken, I just…" Kim was rambling, switching from one thing to another, scratching her arm in nervousness in a way so similar to what he had seen Amanda do the past couple of times he had seen her in hospital. "I know I got no right, but can I see her, please. Can you tell her I'm here, get her to come in from home."

"Kim, you need to take a big breath. Are you ok?" Cragen tried to calm her down. "That's quite a black eye you've got there."

"I wanna see Mandy, please let me see her? Or just tell her I'm here."

"Kim… Amanda isn't available right now, ok?"

"Why?"

"She's just not able to see you Kim, but she'll be real glad you came in, she was really worried about you," Cragen made an effort to speak to Kim as he would a much younger woman, knowing her agitation would lead to regression in behaviour.

"How come she can't see me?" Kim just wouldn't let it go, she was fixated now on seeing her sister, apologising over and over again for running, for setting her up like that (however unwittingly), for selling her stuff, for never being there for her, for letting Amanda get hurt to save her sorry ass. For being stupid enough to get caught shoplifting after she'd been so careful not to leave any trace of having burned the building down, for never being there for Mandy when she needed her as she'd been locked away, far away. For having a reprieve of safety in YOI while Amanda had lived in fear and terror for all of her teenage years. She had so much to apologise for, so many regrets.

All Cragen could see of this turmoil was the tears running down Kims face.

"Please let me see her, or speak to her. Or please just tell me why I can't"

Cragen hadn't wanted to tell Kim, but he supposed it was her right to know.

"Kim, Amanda's not very well at the moment ok. She's in hospital, getting really good care. Olivia's with her at the moment, and I got a feeling Fin might be too."

Kim looked up.

"What's wrong with her?" She asked, suddenly scared. She knew what had been on Amanda's mind for years, and the only thing keeping her from it was some sense of loyalty to Kim that Kim wasn't sure she deserved at all. "Tell me _now,"_ she demanded like a petulant child, "Please just tell me…" she tried.

"She's on the psychiatric ward Kim, there was another case which triggered Amanda to feel very low about herself, and she's tried to hurt herself. She's being held on section 4 at the moment, so for 28 days. Even if she wants to see you, its up to her psychiatrist first."

Kim looked down.

"It's my fault. All of it, is my fault."

"I don't think it is Kim, Amanda has been hurt by a lot of people, not just you. Question is, can you help us put them away. Are you in a state for that at the moment? _Do you need medical care?_ "

"I… I got real high after taking that stuff from Mandy's apartment. I sold it all to a pawn broker, got so much money for it, you wouldn't believe. I went to the Private Investigators office and paid the fee, and he promised he would look into it for me…. I was so happy, and this man offered me some snow… and I just thought I deserved a celebration…I…" Kim was shaking, one hand rubbing the back of her neck, the other right across her body, shrinking her smaller, and smaller. "I don't really know what happened, but I think I need to go to hospital, because that was 3 days ago, and I only got memories since this morning…"


	14. Chapter 14

Authors Note: Hi guys, thanks for all the really great reviews so far. Just to let you know, I am going to be away until 20th Feb, so don't expect any new chapters until at least the week after that. But I really appreciate all the really great reviews, thanks.

 **Chapter 14**

It was at least 10 in the evening by the time Olivia and Fin managed to leave Amanda. The both drove home separately, exhausted, but a little bit pleased. It had been an evening of big breakthrough. Disclosure after disclosure, as disjointed and non-sensical as they had appeared at the time were proving that Amanda was beginning to trust her colleagues at long last.

It had broken both Olivia and Fin a little bit inside though, every part of the story that came tumbling out. But a picture of Amanda's life up to age 13 was becoming clearer and clearer. Her earliest memories were of hunger and cold, of there being no food in the house but drugs paraphernalia being littered everywhere. She remembers scrubbing the house top to bottom in an effort to help mum and dad clear up before the skirt people came. She remembered getting hungrier and hungrier, until that fateful day when she was 12 years old where her mum had first given her to the men who made her strip for the camera. From there things had deteriorated. She'd been made to dance and commit sexual acts on stage. Somehow, Amanda's sister Kim had found out in spite of Amanda's efforts to hide it from both Kim and her Dad, but Kim had told their Dad and the next day he had wound up dead. Amanda had been convinced that Patton had killed him, but then perhaps two or three weeks later, he had taken Amanda out of the club and started grooming her. He had told her he was a Police Officer who was trying to shut down the activities going on in the club. He had made her feel important, wanted, and necessary. Things she had never felt at home. Amanda had been so overwhelmed to not have to do the things that she had found so scary on the stage, that she had believed (like most victims of predators) that Patton really did want to keep her safe from the people who kept making her strip and take photos of her.

It quickly deteriorated from there though… and the disclosures had becoming increasingly more difficult to understand as she the memories had become more and more traumatic. The overwhelming thing both of them could see though was the deep sense of loyalty she felt to her sister. Everything had been for Kim, all of that pain, all of that suffering. So they could stay together and protect each other, and Kim getting ripped away from her after the incident with the fire and the shoplifting had sent Amanda spiralling and spiralling into a place where she thought she had deserved it all.

Olivia wondered what Kim made of it all. Her impression of Kim had been one of a selfish little girl… a child in an adult's body. Someone who had no understanding of consequence, someone almost certainly disordered in their behaviour. Perhaps some of the teenage behaviour fitted that- burning down the building where Amanda was going to get sold as opposed to talking to Social Services; but then, from what Amanda had said, neither of them had had much cause to trust those in charge.

Difficult.

As she opened her door, she checked her phone. A message from Cragen popped up.

 _Kim came into the station voluntarily about 7pm. I am with her at Mercy Hospital, get some sleep, see you at the station 7am tomorrow, we've got a lot to do. We're briefing the feds at 9am._

Voluntarily? Olivia thought. Well, that was unexpected. And Federal Police? Perhaps more expected, however much she despised the thought of the Feds being involved in this case, it was probably necessary in order to get the convictions they so desperately needed. Olivia had never known a tale of corruption and deceit like the one which was appearing, and almost certainly, Atlanta were not capable of providing an unbiased prosecution in favour of Patton and his cronies, and perhaps a serious case review would be needed into the handling of the Rollins Sisters case, both from the point of view of the Police and Social Services. _There was a long line of people who had failed to keep Amanda and Kimberly safe, she thought._

At 6:45am, when Olivia rolled into the 1-6, she thought she would be the first one there. She wasn't, Cragen was sat at his desk, sound dozing. She put the coffee on, feeling it would be a morning her boss could do with a large mug of his favourite beverage.

" _Sir?"_ Olivia said quietly but firmly, placing the coffee on his desk.

Cragen sat up, blearily rubbing his eyes.

"Sorry Olivia, what time is it?"

"7am… late one?"

"I was with Kimberly for most the night, she's still at Mercy."

"She ok? Did you arrest her?"

"Yes, we had too… she's being looked after by a female uniformed officer. She's not going anywhere, don't worry. She's wanted to bring Patton to justice for as long as she can remember."

Then Cragen began to tell her the story of what happened last night.

"Ok, so lets get you to the hospital Kimberly," Cragen said, a kind look on his face. "Get you checked out."

"I… I don't know what I was given… I got needle marks here and I don't remember injecting anything…" she responded nervously, still scratching her arms, shivering.

"It doesn't matter Kimberly, they'll figure all that out at the hospital." Cragen stood up. "You going to run if I get my coat and find you something warm?" He asked, searching the face for an honest response. Kimberly shook her head to indicate 'no'. He went to Amanda's locker first, which was still open from when they broke it open, and pulled out her NYPD hoodie and sweat pants.

He walked back over to Kimberly.

"If you put them on over the top of what you're wearing now, it will help you warm up quicker." He said. He was pretty sure they'd fit, seeing as how he was pretty sure Amanda had nicked Nicks' and these were they.

Kim nodded gratefully and put them on. By the time Cragen had gone to his office and got his coat, Kimberly was just sat there at Amanda's desk, looking for all the world like a mini version of his detective.

"Come on," Cragen said, indicating Kimberly to follow.

She was silent in the car on the way there, and clearly hypervigilant waiting in the A&E waiting room, eyes dashing back and forth, foot tapping and a self-soothing rocking. After an hour or so, Don decided that he couldn't deal with it anymore, and asked for a private room while they waited. The kindly nurse put them in the relatives room and Kimberly instantly relaxed.

"I don't want a deal for Ken's murder you know."

Cragen looked at her quizzically.

"Kimberly, from what Amanda said he was battering you. I think you have a very good chance at a very good deal here."

"Yes, but they'll just say that I made up what I'm going to tell you about Patton to help myself out. Say that I'm just some stupid kid who doesn't know what they're talking about. I'm not, I'd never hurt Amanda I swear to god, I never meant to hurt her."

"I believe you," he said, softly.

The nurse bustled in, and moved Kimberly to a treatment room. Cragen went to leave to give Kim some Privacy with the nurse."

"Can… can you stay?" Kim said softy, sounding very young.

"You sure?"

"Amanda says you're nice. That you care about her. You didn't can her when you found out about her gambling, even though she says you should'a' done . You just took her to a meeting. I think I'd be less scared with you here."

The nurse bustled about, initially taking the clothes Kim was wearing under the tracksuit as evidence, and photographing Kim's body from behind a privacy curtain. The nurse took bloods to run a toxicology report, and then with Kim's consent conducted the rape kit exam. There was clear evidence that in the missing days, Kim had been raped. The bruises were enough to indicate very rough sex had occurred, and given the come-down Kim was having from the drugs, there was no way she would have been capable of consent. They gave Kim the HIV prophylaxis and the morning-after pill, and moved her onto a bed for the night, but she was still wide awake. She fixed her sisters' captain with a hard stare, which he found somewhat unnerving.

"Three times Amanda's been brave enough to do that. I don't know how. I know she's been raped more than three times though. You don't know how many times I told my social worker she was getting hurt, how many times I told my keyworker when I was in secure, or the other care workers. You don't know how many times. I got my records last year, they didn't do shit. Most of them didn't even go to safeguarding. Every LAC review I had they just said I made allegations. Calling me a liar. They never once took one look at Amanda, never once. When they did speak to her, you know what they said. She was just acting out cos she missed me and wanted to get secured. All the subtle (or not so subtle) hints over the years, and that was all they caught. She even went to the fucking Police when she was 15, they called her a whore. How wrong is that?" Kim stopped ranting to breathe.

"I went mental when I found out. Absolutely mental. She never knew how I found out, but I used to read her diary. I was so angry. I trashed the school. That's the second time I got taken into care, 12 week crisis & assessment placement, semi-secure, but Social services sent me back home. Took. Me. In. to. Care. I just trashed the school. My fucking sister was getting raped and they just called. Her. A. Lying. Slut." Kim punched the mattress hard in between each word, tears running down her face.

"She doesn't know how much I tried. But I got my ACS records… everything I ever said is in there, all the statements, all the times I told people wherever I got sent I told someone, but they just sent me for psychiatric assessment every time. No one believed me. I tried so fucking hard." Kim broke down crying. "That's why I burned the building down. If those people sold her, she'd have fucking died. All that would be left of her is some sick video online… that's what those sicko's would have done to her. I was 13 years old, and I could see that? Why couldn't they?"

"Hold on Kim, you burned a building down?" Cragen asked, confused.

"Yea, when I was 13… they didn't find me though. I got sent to jail for trashing a shop and nicking a load of stuff. Was good fun that…" Kim giggled, in spite of herself.

The nurse came in.

"Its three in the morning hun, do you want something to help you sleep."

All of a sudden, Kimberly looked very young again. There were shades of that traumatised little girl still floating around (perhaps trauma formed learning disability, Cragen thought). She nodded,

"Please."

The nurse left to get a tablet.

"Now when you wake up, Kimberly. I'm going to be gone ok. There will be a female police officer outside this room keeping you safe from any outsiders, but also ensuring that you don't go anywhere, as you're technically under arrest."

"I understand," she nodded. The nurse came back in with the tablet and a glass of water. Kimberly took it.

"Can you… can you stay until I'm asleep?"

"Of course Kim," Cragen said.

Within minutes, the Zopiclone had taken effect and Kimberly was flat out.

By this time, the other officers had joined Cragen and Olivia and heard the tale.

"So she was raped?" Olivia asked

"Yes, undoubtedly. The toxicology report came back, she had high levels of cocaine, heroin and GHB in her system, shes got bruising consistent with violent sex and a struggle, including a black eye. She's been injected but she doesn't remember it, and they found semen. I've not run it through the database yet, I was reading her ACS reports, she had some of them in her bag when she came in. The rest are at her ex-boyfriends flat where she's been staying"

"Kens?"

"Yes."

"We got a warrant?" Munch asked.

"Not yet, you feel like waking Barba up?"

"Not really," Munch responded, "But I'll get on it all the same."

"Can you get him to come straight here afterwards. Obviously we need to brief the federal police, but I'm sure we have enough to move on charging Patton now."

"Why are the feds taking it?" asked Nick.

"Well, from what Kim's been saying, there is some sort of complicity within the majority of the police and social services that she has been in contact with. My suspicion is this is part of some larger CSE ring, looking at her disclosures and other ones which had been made to Atlanta safeguarding from their YOI. The ring Amanda got her shield for was 9 convictions, and there is definitely something larger than that going on here, that much is evident just in the faces that consistently pop-up in the photo's Amanda had on her laptop. At the very least some sort of cover-up between Police and Social Services. It's definitely becoming a federal case, but there are keeping us on board, if only due to our relationship with the Rollins' sisters"

"How many victims are we looking at?" Fin asked, growing more and more dismayed.

"I don't know, perhaps hundreds. In Rochdale in the UK they have recently uncovered a CSE ring where 56 men were arrested, I believe we could be looking at something similar here."

The officers all just sat back, trying to take the enormity of the situation in.

"Right, let's have breakfast and prepare the briefing".

At 9 o clock they sat down with the Olivia, Nick and Cragen sat down with the basic timeline in place. Munch was still out trying to gather the rest of Kimberly's ACS records; and it turned out Amanda's were there as well. Fin was trying to sort through the disclosures Kimberly had made.

Working backwards through the various times Kimberly had been secured or spoken to social workers was hard work, the caseworker response struck of victim blaming and a lack of interest.

 _Child KR reported to me that she has seen her sister (AR age 17) strip to allow photos of herself to be taken by various men, and that AR also engages in sex acts with various older men. Child KR informed that AR is over the age of consent and is allowed to do that if she desires, but Keyworker KJ states that she hopes KR feels able to make better choices to keep herself safe. KR immediately angers and says well "It's not like she's got a fucking choice, that dirty bastard Patton is making her do it." Child KR becomes agitated when keyworker KJ asks KR who Patton is. KR states Patton is a Police Officer with Atlanta PD. Staff CH states that a police officer's duty is to uphold the law and forcing someone to have sex is a criminal offense, and so he can't do that because he would lose his job. Child KR immediately becomes violent leading to a 2 person standing hold, then seated, then prone restraint for 40 minutes. After the incident, KR locks herself in her room and self-harms with 3 superficial scratches to the arms. First Aid treatment applied. KR has a history of allegations so a decision was made not to forward to safeguarding._

Before that, in a temporary foster placement when Kimberly was 10 (Amanda was 14).

 _After dinner, Kimberly asked me if I could keep secrets. I responded letting her know that I could keep secrets about some things, but not about others. That whether I could keep the secret or not depended on whether keeping the secret would put Kimberly or another person at risk. Kimberly thought for a while, and said, "If I said my sister had a boyfriend who was 32, would you keep that secret or would you tell someone." I informed Kimberly I would tell someone as Amanda is only 14 and that is against the law. Kimberly said that Amanda had been seeing a man called Michael Patton who is 32 years old for about a year (since shortly after their father was murdered). I informed Kimberly I would let the Police know. REF: 134798._

A later note in blue pen.

 _The Police Officer came and spoke to Kimberly today, along with her case worker, informing us that there is no evidence with which to take the allegation further. I have forwarded my concerns about the Police Officer in question (as he apparently knew Patton, who is a detective with the SVU) to safeguarding and the Police Complaints Commission._

And later.

 _Kimberly Rollins was removed from my care and returned to the care of her family today in spite of me raising numerous concerns with her caseworker about both hers' and her sister (Amanda Rollins), Safety in their home environment._

So far, it was apparent that the 6 placements away from home that Kimberly had had prior to being secured, and at least 2 or 3 times while secured, Kimberly had made significant disclosures about the risk Amanda was at, and nothing (apparently) had been done about it, despite of the occasional foster-carer or care-worker raising concerns.

Meanwhile the brief was continuing in the other room.

"Deputy Chief Constable Patton first became a person of interest to us 3 days ago when Detective Taymour reported that she was raped by him. He was arrested and arraigned on that charge; there is forensic evidence to support Taymours claim; she had a blood alcohol which would put her at too intoxicated to consent, she had bruising and Patton was not clever enough to wear a condom. There is CCTV of Patton carrying her back to her room once he'd… finished. Case was watertight and he was denied bail. However, when Taymour disclosed; Detective Rollins became very upset and ended up needing to be sectioned for her own safety."

"What's Rollins' relation to Taymour/ Patton?" An officer asked.

"She worked directly under Patton in Atlanta. Prior to this occurring, she had received threatening texts from a burner cell saying _you better not have blabbered bitch_ , and become very upset having a flashback while at Officer Tututola's house."

"Why was she there?" another one asked.

Nick was becoming agitated, every details of Amanda's life was now being scrutinised, judged.

"Kimberly Rollins broke into Amanda Rollins flat and stole her belongings, all of her belongings. Officer Tutuola kindly offered to let Rollins' stay with him."

"So what's the story with her and Patton."

"To be honest with you, we're still working on piecing a timeline together. You have the morning to familiarise yourself with the evidence," Cragen said, "But the basic facts are this. From diaries and photos, as well as Kimberlys ACS records and Police records, we know there were multiple DV calls to the Rollins Household while both siblings were under 10; both parents were debtors; Gambling addicts and some drug use. We've gathered that Amanda's mother sold Amanda to a Child Pornography ring when she was 12 years old (without the knowledge of Amanda's father it appears). It quickly escalated from photo's to videos of Amanda performing sex acts on herself, which detective Patton watched. When Amanda was 13, her father died. It was ruled a homicide. It appears Kimberly told their father what was going on, he went to confront the people in charge of the ring and was shot, but the case was declared cold case. Shortly after that, it appears Patton took Amanda out from the pornography ring saying that he was her boyfriend. It appears reading her diary that for a short while she believed him. Things soon escalated to more 'pimp' type activities, Amanda was regularly raped or gang raped from this point onwards reading her diary. Amanda disclosed 1 rape when she was 15, and was shut down by the Police Officer calling her a 'lying whore', or words to that effect (Police Officer was Pattons Girlfriend), and didn't disclose any since then but did have 2 rape kits done, one when she was at college and 1 when she was a serving police officer. Patton's DNA is on all 3 kits. Kimberly made regular disclosures while she was in care or under the care of the 'edge of care' team, all were ignored or sidelines. Kimberly believes many people housed in her secure unit were also victims of similar crimes and we would like to look into the possibility they are connected, hence your involvement. We are concerned about Atlanta's ability to prosecute this crime given the quite obvious corruption within the force, and obviously this case is now well beyond our jurisdiction or indeed the jurisdiction of IAB either here or in Atlanta. But equally, you need to be clear Amanda is not in a safe space in her head so it needs to be us, and only us, speaking to her, and only under the approval of her psychiatrist." Cragen finished.

Everyone in the room just looked around shocked and dumbfounded at the tale of woe which had just been placed in front of them.

"Well…" the FBI captain said after a short silence, "Let's get to work."


	15. Chapter 16 UPDATE

I am Amanda Chapter 16: Update

Sorry for the lack of updates folks. I have had a mental year or so!

Reading back, I can see the early part of this story is littered with spelling mistakes. In the meantime, while re-working this story to do my plot some manner of justice, I will be doing my new Hunger Games story! Please follow,

Murmures


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